Tuesday, September 08, 2009

As Seen on TV: The Potty Patch

This month's special promotion features things that I have seen advertised on TV while watching a MacGyver marathon on a network called Sleuth.

Well Company, did you know that there is such a thing as a Potty Patch? Well, apparently there is. And I couldn't be more upset about it. Okay, let's start at the beginning. Somewhere along the way someone had a good idea. The puppy pad was developed in order to help little dogs train, so instead of putting down old newspapers like the rest of us have been doing for years and years and years, people could put these little pads at the door so if doggy lost control while waiting to go outside all was well. Like, the pad would suck up the liquid and sort of trap the solids and then when the puppy was potty trained you could throw the nasty pad out in the garbage and we would all move on.
Somewhere along the way, however, some people who are seriously misguided and who forget that their animals are, well, animals, started using these puppy pads so that their precious little dustmop retard dogs didn't have to go outside to go piddle. I suppose it started somewhere in the Great White North, where someone with a little stupid yippy dog felt bad because their undercarriage drug in the snow. Well who cares, it probably feels good on their tummy. These people who started using their puppy pads as a permanent doggy bathroom (which must smell absolutely horrible) are the same people who won't board their pet in a kennel but who must fork over for a pet hotel, the same people who won't kick the dog out of bed even though they themselves are hanging off the edge, the same people who make little sweaters for them. These people obviously couldn't handle having their dogs peeing outside like common filth so they let the pee in the house, because that is so much better.
Well, these people are out there, which I guess in an economists eyes means there is a market, no matter how pathetic or deranged, and so where there is a market a product will inevitably pop up to fill that need. That product is the Potty Patch. What someone did was sort of smart but still maddening: they took a tray, put some of that new-style artificial turf on top of it, and marketed it to their prime market: people who watch MacGyver marathons on the Sleuth Channel. The idea is this, doggy pees on the Potty Patch, the liquid drains down through the little blades of grass, and into the tray. At the end of the night, before you brush your teeth, you just empty the TRAY OF PISS into the sink or toilet or outside and that takes care of the nasty smell.
Now this is a pretty good idea, I have to admit, even if it is a bit misguided. There is, however one problem: I am not going to be forking over the forty bucks for one of these things because I already have a potty patch, except I call it the backyard. That's right. Here is the secret that was always on the East German microfilm that everybody wanted to kill you for: dogs will pee and poop outside if you train them to, and they won't really mind it all that much. The reason for that is because dogs are made to run about and sniff around and generally be outside seeing what is going on. By making them go outside two, three, four times a day you are actually giving them something to do and a reason to be. Plus, maybe then your bratty little kid will learn to shut the damn gate once that dog runs out a time or two.
I understand that the people who are pushing this product have a pretty good point when they say that it is good for your dogs to have a place to pee when you are gone at work for like ten hours at a time, but still, if you teach them to go there while you are gone, they will go there when they are home. If you are going to train your animals to pee on the pad you might as well train them to go outside. That is what we would call "normal" and "sanitary" and "not stupid." So I can't really seem to find the use for the Potty Patch. Sorry.

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