Wednesday, August 26, 2009

A Sneak Peek at the New Worldwide Headquarters

I am sitting here in the Worldwide Headquarters looking around and I am feeling kind of melancholy. As time goes by and more and more things are packed up and moved into our exciting new Worldwide Headquarters, our current digs cause me to feel more and more sadness. It was a big deal when we picked up all of our swoop, and with much help moved it all here roughly one year ago. Like the Colts moving from Baltimore to Indianapolis, one day it just sort of happened. Anyway, I like the Worldwide Headquarters; it is large, comfortable, and has a lot of charm. That being said, it is time to move on. So maybe, just maybe it's time to describe the new Worldwide Headquarters to you.
In case you haven't notices the gigantic countdown happening on Big Dave and Company, pretty soon we will be going online with the Big Dave and Company Podcast. As such, we are moving to a posh new Worldwide Headquarters complete with a modern, acoustic recording studio. It is located in the basement, for maximum soundproofing and to keep the hoards of fans from crashing into it, the studio is large, modern, and luxuriously appointed. Included are dressing rooms from the regulars on the podcast, and a green room for our many guests. A glass elevator connects the studio to the helipad on the roof and the private entrance in the back where the celebrities arrive. This glass elevator would be much more impressive if one could look out over a lobby or something I am sure, but as the building is quite old and had to be renovated the only view riders get from the glass elevator is of the concrete walls of the elevator shaft.
Anyway, aside from all the wonderful studio features, the new Worldwide Headquarters is still pretty sweet. As I said it is an older building, renovated and revamped at great cost into the dynamic, impressive, and comfortable home of this nearly award-winning blog. There are living quarters for myself and Mike-a-licious, with whom I am consolidating operations. Actually, he lived in and owned the new Worldwide Headquarters, and so it was nice of him to let us move in. I am guessing the guy on the steam roller and the crane with the wrecking ball attached outside his front door one morning was a pretty good motivation to allow this expansion, but I can't confirm that.
Another feature of the new Worldwide Headquarters is a modern new dormitory for the Unpaid Interns. It is actually more like a bunkhouse, like the loggers would have lived in back in the day, except it's not made of logs and it's not out in the woods, it's just like a separate wing of the place. It features things like bunk beds and foot lockers for them to store their possessions with a recreation area containing all the old furniture that I don't want and an old floor-model Curtis Mathes. I understand that you probably don't think this is terribly impressive, but it meets the requirements of OSHA, 100% of the major universities in the United States which provide our Unpaid Interns, and most importantly the friendly local judge at the US Tenth Circuit Court of Appeals who felt that keeping the Unpaid Interns chained up in a dirt floor dungeon in the basement of a 1920s-era building was not a valuable learning and survival experience but was in fact "cruel and unusual punishment." So it's got that going for it, which is nice.
One more super exciting part of the new Worldwide Headquarters is the extensive system of gardens in the courtyard. I was able recently to become intimately familiar with these gardens when I got drunk, stumbled into them, and got lost for over an hour before passing out in a bed of gardenias. When I woke in the morning soaking wet from dew with the sun and the gardener staring me in the face, what I saw through the haze of hangover was absolutely gorgeous. There were flowers and plants of colors and types that I have never even heard of before. Either that or I was still drunk and couldn't properly understand the gardener. But they are really worth checking out if you can get your hands on a postcard or intricate series of mirrors or something, because goodness knows that we aren't going to give tours. But you won't need a tour, because you can live it vicariously though Big Dave and Company, Mike-a-licious, or the Big Dave and Company Podcast. How do you feel about that?

No comments: