Friday, August 14, 2009

Naked Men, Alligators on Bicycles, and Winnie the Pooh

Lot's of craziness going on in the world today, Company, so much so that I think I might feint. So let's cut the bullshit and get right to it.
First of all, 38-year-old Peter Allen Steele is being held on $60,000 bond in Redwood City, CA for a series of incidents in which he would appear nued at random homes and ring the doorbell. This, I think, is a bold strategy. I don't know who told 6' 7" tall, 250 pound Steele that this was a good idea but that was really a terrible piece of advice. I can only imagine being at home, sitting comfortably watching television, and hearing the doorbell ring. It is, of course, dark outside so you flip on the porch light and open the door and there, standing among the moths and bugs in the cool Redwood City summer night is a hulking, naked figure. If you were a much smaller person, perhaps a child, his junk and whatnot would be right in your face. That's about as unpleasant as it can be on a Tuesday, at least in my opinion. If that wasn't bad enough, when the police came to ask him about his shenanegans, Steele decided it would be in his best interests to lead them on a car chase, without clothes of course, that ended with him streaking into an Redwood City home and the out the back into some local woods. Isn't that fantastic? Think about that one for a moment; what would you do if someone streaked into your house unannounced with a police escort. Now that's just plain crazy. I guess that you just need to learn to lock your doors if you live in Redwood City.
Halfway across the country, in St. Charles Parish, Louisiana, another 38-year-old, Terron Ingram, was stopped by Sheriff Deputies while riding his bicycle down a local highway with a three-foot-long alligator slung across his shoulders. A three-foot-long live alligator slung across his shoulders. This, to me, is more impressive than illegal, especially seeing as it would awafully hard to keep your balance on a bike with a reptile on your shoulders for one, especially if it were alive and moving, and for two those things are known to bite. No one with the Sheriff's Department knows what Ingram was doing with the alligator, or from where he got it, because, as would be expected from a person who would ride their bike down the road with an alligator slung across his back, he took off when officers approached. He ditched the bike, ditched the alligator, and took off running. He was booked for resisting arrest, possessing drug paraphaelia (ahhh, there we go), and cruelty to animals by abandonment. I bet he didn't see that one coming. Officers let the alligator go into a nearby bayou, free to be carried on someone's back again. Ingram was not so lucky, however, and remains in jail in lieu of $15,000 bond.
You know who's not in jail? A white male, between 35 and 40-years-old, 6 feet tall, about 225 pounds with a medium build, who strode into a Chicago area bank and made a forable withdrawl despite the fact that he does not have an account there. Well, he might have account there I suppose, but what I am trying to say is that he robbed the place. From what I read he looks pretty much like your typical hard-nosed criminal, all the way down to the sweatshirt he was wearing that featured a giant picture of Winnie the Pooh. Yeah, that Winnie the Pooh. So now the folks at the FBI, who are long on time yet critically short on imagination, are asking for public help to find the "Winnie the Pooh Bandit," which is the least creative nickname since the Boston Red Sox names themselves that because they wore red socks. Hopefully they can catch this heinous criminal and put him behind bars, if only to find out where he got that sweatshirt and maybe advise him to wear a black one or something the next time.

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