Monday, August 10, 2009

Lovers Geometry

Well Company, I've been a guy for over 27 years now, and if I am not mistaken I went through puberty around 12 or 13, so I've been, how do we put this tactfully...aware of my penis and its various functions for about 15 years or so now. During that time, I have been steadily gaining the social awareness that goes along with that phallic awareness, so I guess that I am qualified enough to say that there are very few ways to get one's penis glued to another part of one's body. I mean, short of doing it oneself on purpose, or being involved with a hilarious but tragic adhesive-related incident, I couldn't really imagine another way of going about it until I read about this little incident that happened in Wisconsin and then I realized that there was another, much more sinister way to get your pecker glued to your thigh: piss off a woman.
That's what an unnamed Appleton, Wisconsin-area man did in order to get his penis glued to his stomach. Actually, to be more precise he pissed off four women, who lured him to a friendly local motel. Somewhere along the way the man's wife and his two girlfriends, all of whom were madly and truly in love with this man - none of these were purely sexual relationships, all the women professed that they were in love with the man and they all planned to spend the rest of their lives with him - found out about one another. The details of exactly how that happened I am not sure of, but basically what happened is one girl, we will call her Girl 3, met The Man on Craigslist, a website from which nothing good has ever, EVER come. Somewhere along the way she learned that he had a wife (Girl 1) and another girlfriend (Girl 2). So she contacted them. They concocted a plan. Someone went to the hardware store and bought some Krazy Glue. The rest is history.
Girl 3 lured the guy to the friendly local hotel with the promise of a sensual massage, and he didn't seem to think twice when Girl 3 tied the man up and blindfolded him. I know, I know, he's a man so he probably thought this was cool as shit. If I girl that I had past relations with called me up and offered that to me I would be waiting at the hotel door with some rope and a blindfold and maybe some cowboy boots too just for good measure. If, however, I was the type of guy who was married and had two girlfriends, I think I would be a little suspicious of anything that would hinder my ability to escape. I am thinking that if I were juggling lovers - which is akin to juggling running chainsaws that were on fire and that had Ginsu knives attached to the chain - I would be like "Why don't you just massage me without all the kinky tie-downs, baby?" Not this guy. He was all in like a poker player with a royal flush.
So in he goes, and he settles down on the bed, rope goes on, blinds go down, and out comes the cell phone. Wait, what? That's the strangest massage that I've ever heard of. I don't know, maybe in Japan they have a strange massage that uses a cell phone, but it sounds to me more like something that only a teenage girl could love. So out whips the phone and text messages come out, and before you could read the first chapter of "Love You Forever" OUT LOUD to a group of schoolchildren in a public library Girl 1, Girl 2, and Girl 3's sister, who we will call Girl 4, were there to join in the game, if that's what you could call it. So they let him have it verbally, Mom-from-Malcom-in-the-Middle-style for a little while. We can only assume that was fun. Then they let him have it GoldenEye 007-for-the-Nintendo 64-set-to-slappers-only-style. By that I mean they beat him up a little. Then they let him have it anti-Lorena-Bobbitt-style be gluing his member to his stomach. This, to me is terrible AND amazing. A little amazing because he either had a HUMONGOUS johnson so that it could be glued to his stomach or he had a HUMONGOUS stomach so that it hung down over his johnson. I am not sure which would be more amazing or which would be more terrible. But I know what IS terrible is that the guy got his penis glued to his stomach with Krazy Glue. That shit is potent. That is what they used to glue a midget to a beam in all those commercials, and everybody knows that midgets are known for flailing wildly when glued to anything. Anything at all.
So that's what this guy is dealing with: tied to a seedy motel bed with his penis glued to his stomach. Now, it may be difficult to believe here, Company, but he got lucky on a couple of different counts here. First of all, I can only assume that he had an erection at the time that his member was erect at the time the gluing occurred. Now you boys can imagine that if it were glued there when flaccid, and THEN for some reason he became erected that would be extremely painful. Like in a "consult your doctor for erections lasting more than four hours" kind of way. So that is good I think. I hope for his sake. Then, he is lucky because he was still in the hotel room. I am sorry, but if I were one of the girls I would have suggested that we pick up the bed and set him out on the lawn by the highway for someone to discover him in his...um...predicament. So anyway, he had that going for him, which is nice. The man was left to chew himself out of his ties and binds after the women fled, and once he was done eating the rest is history. For those of you wondering and those of you cringing at the thought of what happened at the hospital later that evening, sort of comparing it to yanking your tongue off a frozen flagpole or something, relax, there are solvents for that kind of situation. So he is I guess really no worse in for the wear.
Or is he? I know that the girls kind of come out to be the villains in this situation, and rightfully so. They are all spending some time in the finest jail facilities that Calumet County, Wisconsin have to offer. Jim Stingl of the Milwaukee Journal Sentinel made the very cogent observation that, for the women, tying the man up was a felony but gluing his member to his stomach was only a misdemeanor. Strange; I am sure that all your boys out there would agree that seems very, VERY backwards. So they are awaiting their turn with the legal system. And so is the guy. He's awaiting his day in court on charges of child abuse, theft, and harassment, the last count coming after he broke into his wife's house and threatened her a bit. I guess he had reason to be mad, but I am really glad that he's in a different jail from the girls. That wouldn't lead to anything good.
In one last surprising twist, when the Associated Press called the house of Girl 3, who turns out to be very much the ringleader of this whole fiasco, to see if she cared to comment on the events that occurred, her husband answered the phone. Yeah, we have come full circle here. No word yet if he and his friends plan to glue anything of hers to anything else of hers, but I am assuming that he will just let sleeping dogs lie. And hopefully they will be able to lie without blindfolds and rope ties in a small hotel room in rural Wisconsin. We all know where that leads, now don't we?

1 comment:

KingBobb said...

When I began reading this story, I waited for the geometry to rear its ugly head. Like the guy was a math teacher. Or one of the girls had a deep hatred of Pythagoras. By the time I got to the end, as a guy, the question became moot. Remind me not to try to juggle three women at any time. I might have problems juggling one. Unless she was a midget or something.