Monday, August 03, 2009

Beyond America's Headquarters

So, I was flipping through channels the other day, like I am prone to do, and I happened to flip through a channel that I absolutely disdain: Fox News Channel. Now, I know that some people live and breathe by Fox News and that is fine if that is your thing. But it is certainly not mine. I find that channel to be extremely biased and abrasive in just about every way.
As I flipped through I saw one of the type of things that makes Fox News grind at me every time I see it, hear it, or think about it. All it took was the several seconds that were needed for the light from the screen to hit my eyes, the impulses to travel up my optic nerve and for my brain to scream "HEY! FUCKING LOOK AT THAT SHIT!" and then for the TV tuner to go ahead and change the channel back to something else. Just that little short element of time was enough for me to see gigantic white letters on a giant red screen behind a guy in a grey suit with one of those little wavy American flag pins that said "America's Headquarters" and I thought "Hold on, when did that happen?"
I am sorry, but Fox News is not my headquarters in any way, shape, or form. Okay? Can we make that perfectly clear to the folks over at Fox Island or wherever their studios are? For instance: after I get done with some important mission in the field, I don't go back to Fox News and get debriefed. No, I go home. Maybe to Dairy Queen like if I want a Blizzard treat for a job well done first. When my cell phone rings and I whip it out all cool and start giving one-word answers to questions and then when I get done I don't say "That was Fox News. They got the results of the tests on our dead body in. It doesn't look good." No, I say "That was Headquarters, and they are pretty pissed off right now." Because Fox News is not my headquarters. Sorry to break that to you Fox News.
Actually, when I am done with an exciting day of doing whatever I do, or when I want to feed The Unpaid Interns, I go to the Worldwide Headquarters. Worldwide. Not national. WORLDWIDE HEADQUARTERS. Wow, sorry Fox News, it looks like I totally trump you. If this were a game of euchre I would have called Worldwide as trump and totally just took that hand from you. I win. Case closed. Who needs your piddly "America's Headquarters" when I have the entire world coming to mine? Last time I checked America was part of the world, so I guess I have all your troopers too. How do you feel about that?
I also don't have to go around broadcasting my position in huge white letter, either, okay? everyone just knows that I am the Worldwide Headquarters. I do not need to broadcast it to the masses, the masses just flock to me. And by the masses I mean the dozen people who read these posts. I guess that what I am saying is that here at Big Dave and Company we go big but we go big subtly, which is something maybe you could learn from, because your dog and pony show does not impress me, Fox News, nor does it fool me. You can keep going on and claiming that you are "America's Headquarters" if you want, but I know better, and I have you on notice, double secret probation, and whatever other type of program of extra surveillance there is out there. Then we will see who is the headquarters for whom, Fox News. We will certainly see.

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