Monday, August 31, 2009

And We're Back

Well hello there, Company, we are back after a weekend layoff with fresh, new and exciting things. Well, not really, it's probably going to be more of the same old stuff.
I am a little bit disappointed though, that no one has commented on how brilliantly we managed to gloss over the fact that we brought you nothing new for the last THREE DAYS! I mean, seriously folks. I know that way back in the beginning I asked you for a little leniency when I miss a post or two, but come on. This was blatant and ridiculous. Let's take a closer look at the signs.
1.) Day 1: Picture. Oh come on. All I did was get a picture of books and make up one, terrible, completely non-random comment. It was almost like Twitter, and that should have been insulting to you right then and there. I mean, it was painfully obvious that I put no effort whatsoever into that post but I just desperately wanted something to go in there. I mean, I didn't even care enough on Friday to assign an Unpaid Intern to do it. I mean, I guess you apologists out there could say that it was probably because I had all the Unpaid Interns helping with the big move to the new Worldwide Headquarters, but that's not true. I actually made them all go away and hired real movers to do the work. Don't worry, I put tracking bracelets on all the Unpaid Interns like the cops use, so there is a base station hooked into a phone line in the house and if they go like more than 30 yards away from it the thing notifies my private security team and shocks the hell out of the Unpaid Intern. So they got a weekend pass home but they still are sort of in captivity. Anyway, the fact that all the better I could do on Friday was a crappy picture and one line inspired by watching the movers move the extensive Big Dave and Company library should have tipped you off that I was going to be phoning it in all weekend long, but it obviously didn't. I mean, that isn't even a picture of my books, for crying out loud.
2.) Day 2: Rerun. Yeah, it's the blog version of a clip show. In my own defense, there are lots of posts from back in the early days that I have always thought that people who have just started reading recently should see. I know, I understand the way it works. If there is one thing that I have learned over the last year and a half of grinding out posts for you almost every single day it is that when I think a post is golden, you guys generally don't think it's anything special. Way to ruin my day, Company. However, when I write something that I think was just average or maybe even terrible, it is usually one of the best received by the public. But I don't care, I want to bring you the ones that I want you to hear, so there. But I digress; I have that intention, certainly, but that is not why I put that post up on Saturday. It is because from the moment I put up that crappy picture on Friday I had no intention whatsoever of giving you anything new on Saturday. I thought, however, that I could put up and old post and sort of pass it off like I was trying. Now if I were you, Company, I would feel insulted. And if I were your intelligence I would feel even more insulted, so there. You should have not let this pass. The first time I posted something from The Filing Cabinet some anonymous person called me on it, so why not now? I am so confused.
3.) Day 3: Nothing. Yeah, I've got nothing. And you got nothing on Sunday. So sad. And you let me get away with it too. Even sadder.
Anyway, we are back. We are all moved into our new digs here at our post new Worldwide Headquarters, although there is much unpacking left to do. See, I paid the movers handsomely but it turns out that unpacking generally is not part of the deal. So there are boxes everywhere, waiting for the Unpaid Interns to return from their weekend furloughs; technically waiting for the authorities to round them all up and return them to me. I am real excited to be here and can't wait until all the boxes are unpacked, mainly because somewhere in one of those boxes are my underoos (as Sally would call them) and I kind of need those.
I actually spent a good part of the weekend, while the moving was going on, negotiating with the new owners of the old Worldwide Headquarters over what the fate of the space will be. I was trying with all my charm, charisma, money, and might to get that space converted into a Big Dave and Company museum. It would have been the centerpiece of a Big Dave and Company self-guided walking tour, which isn't as simple as it sounds since the exhibits are in many different cities and it would take four plane flights, two inter-city rail transfers, and a public ferry to complete the tour and the audio tour tapes that you can rent are only on Sony MiniDisc, and you have to provide your own player, but the owners of the building just wouldn't buy into it. They wanted to put in a roller disco, which I thought was a fantastic idea. I was very open to maybe making it a roller disco that you could like roller skate through the exhibits, but the people who owned the old building are getting into their late 80s and unfortunately their dipwad son has like a controlling interest in the fate of the building and he wanted some awful loft condo conversion project, so what we did was we all compromised and the building is being torn down and a parking garage erected in its place, albeit with a plaque stating that this was at one time the site of the Big Dave and Company Worldwide Headquarters. At last check, that plaque was being set into place between the second and third floors in a service elevator shaft, so I would think it safe to say that your opportunities to view it will be rare, unless of course you are an elevator repairman or a secret agent. Or maybe one of Ocean's Eleven.
So, to get to the point, that is where we were all weekend long and we do apologize for the lack of new material, we make the promise that it will be better as time goes on. I mean, we can only move the Worldwide Headquarters every so often, right?


Anonymous said...

John Wayne quote: "Don't say you're sorry - it's a sign of weakness"

Anonymous said...

well i called you on it the first time and im sorry i didnt call you out this time. im not really anonymous im just to lazy to type in my name and everyone enjoys a trip back in time. it gives time to think about the fun we had on the porch 2 worldwide headquarters ago. Like when you and duke were spraying each other. But i will leave u a hint to who i am.

Hint: this GUY never forgets.

Anonymous said...

1. Its strange to have you move the world wide headquarters again.

2. When are you coming back to visit the old old world headquarters.

3. Since the dyke sedan and wagon are no longer in the picture what do you call the new "dyke mobile"?