Tuesday, July 07, 2009

An Open Letter To the Guy Who Was In My Office Yesterday...

Dear Guy Who Was In My Office Yesterday,
Okay fuckbag, I don't like you. And that's sad, because I liked you when you first walked into my office. You walked up to my window and politely waited until I was done on the phone and I asked "What can we do for you today?" before you unleashed your absolutely disgraceful and disgusting ridiculousness upon us. So I guess what I am saying is that I liked you until you started talking. That being said I would be willing to empathize with your situation if you hadn't been such an unmitigated asshole about the whole thing. I mean, I understand that it frustrating to own a piece of property upon which you cannot build a home, but you approach to this problem is what makes you exactly what is wrong about America these days. You are the exact opposite of all those things that I talked about on Independence Day, and you are the reason that people in other countries hate people from America. Especially Canada.
First of all by announcing that you are from another state and that they do things differently in that state I have lost most of the fucking respect that I might have had for you. The good feelings that I had towards you from the first impression evaporated faster than Purell hand sanitizer. I don't care where you are from, you aren't there right now. If they do it so much better there then you should just go there and stay there. That would make everyone happy because there they do things the only way that you tiny little fucking brain can wrap itself around so you are happy, and I don't have to look at your and your bitch ass complaining in my office. By saying that you automatically pissed me off and no I am much less inclined to help you out.
Second of all, get your facts straight, will you? I know that you think that me, my associates, and everyone else in town in just a back country yokel, but we are pretty smart cookies, and we are going to know that you are feeding a line of bullshit. So you can take it and just cram it up your fucking ass, okay? In your care, we haven't really began to research anything other than trying to find out what you own and already the fact don't line up with your story. So now, you just look like a fucking piece of retard that doesn't know his left hand from the shit your just took in your pants. At least give the real story, or at least some variation of it instead of THE EXACT OPPOSITE OF WHAT IS REAL!
Third, you aren't that fucking important. I would be a little bit more understand towards the fact that you can't build a house if you 1.) Didn't already have one there and 2.) Didn't want to build a 3500 square foot one next to it. Okay, just because you can't build a 3500 sq ft house doesn't mean you can't build a house at all, it just means that you can't build the monument to douchbagishness that you want to erect. Have you considered a 1500 sq ft house? I grew up in a 1500 sq ft house, and I didn't see anything wrong with that. So why do you need a 3500 square foot second, well really third, house? That is just ridiculous. I mean, you obviously wouldn't understand that because you lost your grip on reality long, long ago. But in the rest of the world that is just fine.
Fourth, each time that you said "I just want to know who I can sue." you came about an inch of being impaled with my Swingline, okay? I just wanted you to know that. I have had a staple in my hand from that exact kind of stapler and that hurt enough, I am sure when bashed into the back of your skull they will take you down. Seriously, here is the deal asshole. You bought a property knowing exactly what you were going into. You knew it wasn't buildable. And now that it has gotten into your tiny little fucking brain that you can't build your piss-drinker mansion you are pissed and think that you can just sue someone and get what you want. Well it doesn't work that way. Seriously, do you realize how you sound? You can't just do whatever you want and then expect to litigate your way out of any sort of responsibility, especially when the judge has already shot you down. Oh, and way to totally take pot shots at the judge who short your TOTALLY UNREASONABLE request down, just like he should have. Do you really think that you are going to get him thrown from office? You aren't smart enough. You know what the phrase "I just want to know who I can sue" is the natural mating call of? The total sack of shit. Anyone who utters that phrase is a complete and total sack of shit who should be shipped out to a frozen arctic island without a coat. And I would be the first person to spit on you as the boat pulled away from the store. How about suing your parents for raising such a stupid fucking asshole? How about that? Maybe I will do that. And I will ask for extra because you ruined what was otherwise shaping up to be a very happy Monday. I hope that you blow the transmission on your car AND warp your cylinder heads on the way home. Dick.
I can't even begin to describe how much I hate you. I am not even sure that there is a word in the English language that can adequately explain it. I really want to come to your house and put a javelin through your eye when you answer the door. Seriously. I am deeply disappointed that when your brain added the information that you couldn't build your dumbass house that the information it displaced wasn't the part about breathing. See, the way I figure it you are such a stupid asshole that you can only have a certain amount of information in your brain at any given time. So like, when you see what the forecast is supposed to be for today it just replaces what the weather was like yesterday. So when you added "I can't build a giant house to compensate for my tiny, malfunctioning penis" to your brain it probably replaced some information like "Don't hit on high school girls because I am in my 60s." I wish it would have replaced "Breathe in, breathe out. Breathe in, breathe out." Or maybe just how to get here from where you normally live, that would work for me.
So get ready. Oh, and just so you know, if I get one sliver or maybe tweak my shoulder a little bit throwing that javelin at you, or maybe I get a mosquito bite while throwing a Molotov cocktail through your front window, or hit my funny bone while impaling you with a rock hammer, I am going to sue the hell out of your estate because apparently that is the only thing that registers with your kind. That kind being of course the complete fucktard asshole. Maybe when I win the lawsuit I will get your property, on which I know I can't build a house. But that is okay, because I like it just the way it is. I don't have a midlife crisis to deal with.

Suck My Balls,
- Big Dave

2 comments:

curt said...

that was the most awesomest rant ever!!! nice work dave!!! ps fibs suck!!!

Big Dave said...

Thanks Curt! If you like that you should check out "An Open Letter to the Laundromat Owners in My Town" from November 2008!