Wednesday, July 01, 2009

News Reactions

Yeah, I've got nothing for you today, Company. Not a God-damned thing. I am so super depressed because I did not win the Lund Boats Presents the Second Annual Big Dave and Company Blog of the Year Award Brought to You by the Sony PlayStation 3 that I guess the creative juices have just stopped flowing. Congratulations, WaWa Big Dave and Company Blog of the Year Search Committee, you have brought a listlessness to the blog. I also think that The Unpaid Interns must have paid them off or something. Anyway, you've sapped me of all my creative energy and made me feel like crap. I am also very, very lazy and refused to work in order to create something for you to read. So I came up with some crap where I look at the headlines in the paper and tell you what they made me thing. Enjoy. *Sigh*

Ancient Hunting Site May Rest Under Lake Huron. Who found this thing? Was it an archaeologist or a SCUBA diver? And how would a SCUBA diver know that they were looking at an ancient hunting site? I wouldn't know an ancient hunting site from a hole in the wall. Hell, I wouldn't know it from a modern hunting site. And if an archaeologist found it then I am very confused as to how they ever made it through college, or if you are in Europe or Canada, how they made it through university. I mean, I don't know a lot, but I do know that if it is on the bottom of Lake Huron, then it's not an ancient hunting site, it's more likely an ancient fishing site.

Gray Wolf Back on Endangered List, For Now. Yeah, okay, here is the deal people: If you can't tell if the animal should be on the endangered list or not, then it's not freaking endangered, okay? Put it on the "maybe we should start worrying about it" list. Or the "I suppose we will have to start watching it more closely" list. That one is on your fridge right next to the grocery list and the map of places in town where you have thrown up after bar close. And if you are one of the hairy armpit people who was out there filing lawsuits to have the wolf put back ON the endangered list, so they can't even be managed by state agencies, then I hope you move to the woods and you let your useless teacup poodle out to potty and it never comes back. The we will see how much you like the wolf. Oh, and why the double standard? I don't see you out suing on behalf of the coyote. No, you are probably gunning those things down with your car like they are skyrat seagulls in a grocery store parking lot. Gag me with a freaking spoon.

Brighten Your Staycation with a Polished Patio. You may not believe it, Company, but I wrote about the "staycation" in one of my very first posts. In fact, I don't even think we had even switched from March to April when I wrote it, and that's impressive because I started this blog during the last week of March. So yeah, I was that far ahead of the curve. Anyway, I would assume that the "staycation" is getting more and more popular what with the economy taking a Greg Louganis off the stock market diving board recently. The staycation is where, instead of going somewhere interesting or exotic during your time off, you just stay in the crappy place where you live. You can even do all the touristy stuff in your own town that you wouldn't normally do because you live there and don't ever think about it, which works really well if you live in like Key West or New York City or a Six Flags or something. But I've taken a staycation, and I, unlike the person who apparently wrote this article, am firmly ensconced in reality. So know that the average person isn't going to spend the precious days off working on their lame patio. They are going to lie on the couch, drink Keystone Light, and wallow in their self pity alone because all their friends are either working or taking vacations out of town like they wish they are. Bottom line. Glad you wasted all that ink making up that article that is only really useful as bird cage lining or ultra-cheap wrapping paper.

Report: Turkey Sandwiches An Excellent Source of Turkey Sandwiches. That one is from The Onion and I think it's hilarious.

New Witness Protection Program. Okay, we have a new witness protection program? Really? Seriously? I had kind of forgotten that we had an old one in place, which sort of makes me think that it was working really well. Even my #1 source of information on the witness protection program - hour-long crime documentaries on A&E - has been relatively silent on the issue of late. So I guess that what I am saying is that I am sort of surprised that we needed a new one. I would like to know why we so suddenly needed a new one. Did Canada or Barbados get a new witness protection program and we didn't want to seem poor by comparison? You know, keeping up with the Haiti's and whatnot? Or was it making some sort of strange sound that I never hear because you can only hear it at night when the TV is turned off and I am never awake at night but you are because of your frequent heartburn and my spicy cooking so you heard it and knew, just knew in the depths of your heart, that it was on the way out so today when I come home all the sudden we have a new witness protection program? Is that how it went down? That's how I ended up with a new refrigerator once. Or is it the same program it has just always been for people who are new witnesses, you know, those who have never witnessed a criminal event before. I sort of wish this headline didn't just cause me to have so many questions and to spend $700 on a new fridge.

Machete Sold to 15-Year-Old Boy. The very first question that popped into my head when the last synapse fired in the relay of that sentence from my eyes to my brain was "So?" The second one that popped up, right after "So?" was "Where?" Because those two seem to be the most pertinent questions regarding this headline. I think, however, that they came in reverse order. I feel that "Where?" is more important because it will determine how to react to this story. If this happened at a market in the Central African Republic, or maybe in Turkmenistan, or Ecuador, I am not surprised. And I don't see how it is a big deal. I am sure that it happens all the time and it's used by thousands of families in each of those countries as a basic survival tool. Then again, I am pretty sure that a machete sale to a 15-year-old doesn't make any sort of newspaper in those parts. So I guess it was somewhere in the Western world; you know, the one that overreacts to everything because they apparently have nothing else to do. Yeah, it had to be in that part. I am not concerned anyway because I would like to think that if a 15-year-old boy is smart enough to know how to buy a machete, and to know what a machete is, then I would guess that he's smart enough to know it is sharp and that he can probably put together what that means. So I am not concerned. If you see a headline that reads "Machete Sold to Socially Frustrated Machete Murderer" then let me know and I will immediately say "Well that's not good" and take appropriate action.

Police Stored DNA with Ice Cream. Those police need a bigger budget.

Jackson Will from 2002 Located. What the hell does that mean? There was a legally binding document on file somewhere that they couldn't find? What kind of shitty lawyer did Michael have that he couldn't locate the will? I get a mental image of a guy sitting in a wood paneled law office, with law books on bookshelves that are built into a wall, with a big wooden desk covered with sheets of loose papers. I imagine that it's in a state sort of like the office in the murder mystery mansion where you go spend the weekend and the whole thing is a murder mystery drama, right after it has been ransacked by "the murderer" who is really a highly trained and poorly paid actor who couldn't make it at the local civic theatre. Behind the desk is a guy in a pink shirt and REALLY expensive suspenders with the hair on the right side of his head (his right, not your right) sticking up in a disheveled sort of way, and he is shuffling papers around on his desk like I have to do every day at work. I am assuming that the Jackson will was in those papers somewhere and he found it while he was looking for his other clients alimony papers and he set it on top of the tallest pile of papers because he through that he might be needing that pretty soon. Yeah, that's the vision.

Guy Jumps From Helicopter Onto Marlin? Headlines should never have question marks at the end of them. That really only flies in magazines, and even then it is sketchy. When I am looking at a headline I am usually wanting to be told something; I don't want to engage in a lengthy discussion. I am looking for the high school school gossip, not that douchebag kid in the turtleneck who hangs around outside the auditorium asking questions because he thinks he is a philosopher. So lose the question mark, headline, and tell me about this guy jumping from this helicopter onto this marlin, all of which seems highly unlikely to me. To make this plausible, in my mind at least, the guy would have to have fell from the helicopter, and the marlin would have to be one of the members of the Florida Marlins baseball team. Either that or the guy has to be Magnum, P.I., those are the only ways this works for me. If Thomas Magnum were jumping out of a helicopter onto a Marlin I would assume that there was a bomb strapped to it or something, if it were a regular guy the only thing that I can imagine would compel someone to do that would be alcohol. And lots of it. Fifteen Alabama Slammers later I could see a University of Miami undergrad crouching on the skid waiting for the marlin to get close enough to the surface while his buddies cheer him on in chant form. I could totally see that. No question mark about it.

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