Thursday, July 23, 2009


Okay Company, let's begin by me telling you that I have always liked Brooke Shields, okay? I think she is gorgeous now and always has been. And I will not be afraid to admit that when I think of a MILF quite often I think of her (I am a twenty-something guy, okay Company? I don't have anything other than improper and dirty thoughts). So it should come as no surprise that when I saw her appear on the 13 inch TV screen in my bedroom the other night, I snapped to attention in more ways that one. Then again, Brooke Shields is always hawking something on TV, so I guess I wasn't so surprised until I saw what she was selling. Then, I wasn't so excited anymore.

My darling Brooke was selling Latisse, which is prescription medicine that increases the length and thickness of one's eyelashes.

Yeah. That's a medicine. A prescription medicine. That means it's been approved by the United States Food and Drug Administration (FDA). That means that you have to go down to your doctor and pay your co-pay before you can get it. That means that your insurance will cover most of the cost and therefore Friend Steven, Trey Parker, Michael Ian Black, and everybody else who has health insurance will have to cover most of the cost. All so that you can have thicker eyelashes. This makes me angry on so many levels I can't even begin to form it into words.
Okay, first of all they have sullied the reputation of my dear, sweet, Brooke Shields. I know, she was the one who signed the contract to shill the stuff on TV, so maybe it has exposed the almost love of my life for a money-grubbing washed up actress who cares WAY too much about her eyelashes. That saddens me. That saddens me a lot. I always thought she was above that. So thanks drug company that makes Latisse for destroying my childhood dreams. That was neat of you.
Second of all, I've got a big problem with Latisse because it is a useless prescription drug that does what about 492 over-the-counter cosmetic products do as well. I can't turn on my old-style tube television without seeing someone dancing around on a white sound stage and doing extreme closeups to the camera so I can see how long and luscious their eyelashes are. I think there are also like some sort of press-on eyelash extensions that I am not quite sure about, but some chicks have eyelashes that don't seem like they could ever be grown naturally no matter how hard someone tried or how altered their DNA happened to be. Stereotypical New Jersey housewives and porn stars and Lady GaGa seem to like them though. So I guess that my question is: with this plethora of mascara and God-knows what else out there on the shelves at K-Mart, why is someone marketing prescription eyelash medicine and who exactly is in such desperate need of it?
I think that is the thing that gets me most about this whole deal. This is one of the most useless prescription drugs in the history of history. I mean really? Prescription medicine for eyelashes? For real? Is that really something that we need to be worrying about? I mean, I am a dude, and I know that I pretty much never look at a girl's eyelashes. Not really ever. Let's be honest, by the time I make it to their eyes from wherever I happen to start, I have too many thoughts swirling through my head to worry about the fullness of their eyelashes. And I am not going to lie, I have never suddenly found a girl less attractive because of thin eyelashes. Never. Ever. I am sure that if you go digging into the archives of the Discovery Channel or a major Northeastern research institution or maybe the Revlon Head Offices you will find at least a ream and half of research on how there is some sort of primeval biological sexual impulse that clicks on when you see full, luxurious eyelashes around a pair of big dark eyes, but I can't imagine it's the biggest or most important spark in the history of the world. In fact, I don't usually notice a girl's eyelashes unless they are being batted in my direction, in which case I am very interested in them.
The point here, Company, is that while it may work alright, Latisse is pretty much useless and vain. How awful is it that some company spent literally millions of dollars researching, producing, advertising, and trademarking this drug when there are still people out there dying of yellow fever, cancer, heart disease, and even influenza. I guess that those problems and diseases pale in comparison to the terrible pandemic of eyelash thinness that is sweeping the globe. We all have to hoof 5 k over and over and over again so that lung cancer research can go ahead but yet someone out there signed off on an eleventy billion dollar project to make Brooke Shields' eyelashes more noticeable. This just reeks of wrongness, doesn't it Company?
Plus, as I sat ruptured by the beauty that is Brooke Shields with her amazing eyelashes, I was able to hear all of the unfortunate side effects that Latisse has to offer, and none of them seem any fun. Certainly nothing that is worth having in order to get thicker eyelashes. Let's look at them, shall we? 1.) May cause eyelid skin darkening which may be reversible. Okay, no big deal. It can be reversed and most women are going to put dark makeup there anyway. I could like with that probably. 2.) There is potential for increased brown eye pigmentation which is likely to be permanent. That is not so cool. I am confused about this one actually, because from what I have seen Latisse is brushed on just like the over the country makeup, so how it actually gets into the pigments of your iris and changes them around is a mystery to me. But that can't be right. The only thing that should be changing your eye color is mother nature as you grow up from being a baby or maybe an optometrist giving you colored contacts. If I were a blonde haired blue eyed beauty and I saw that I would learn to live with my tragically think eyelashes. 3.) There is a potential for hair growth in to occur in area where Latisse solution comes in repeated contact with skin surfaces. Ahhh, now we've come to the secret behind Latisse. Your eyelashes are really just super fine hairs attached to your eyelids. Latisse makes those hairs grow thicker. Latisse makes hair grow where it comes in repeated contact with skin. Sounds like this miracle eyelash thickener is just that same shit that I have been spreading on my bald spot for the last eight God-damned years packaged up in a little plastic tube with a brush. 4.) I don't care enough about number 4 to type it out here. 5.) The most common side effects after using Latisse solution are an itching sensation in the eyes and /or eye redness. Great. I use Latisse and so I always have red eyes. So it looks like I am always crying, but I have thick eyelashes. Yeah guys really like that. Nothing turns them on more than a chick who is always weeping.
So I guess I am firmly against Latisse and everything is stands for. Sorry. If you use it and it makes you feel better about yourself then more power to you I suppose. But I won't touch the stuff with a ten foot pole. And if I were married and caught my wife spending money on that I would divorce her. That's actually a reason that is being added to the papers under "reason for divorce:" use of Latisse. It's right between "irreconcilable differences" and " infidelity." So don't waste your money and your doctor's time on this stuff, okay Company? Take the money you'd spend on this and by Livestrong bracelets or something. At least then you'd be promoting something important in the medical field like cancer research. If you insist on using the stuff at least sign the back of your drivers license so that when you die your rich, luscious, luxurious and wildly attractive eyelashes can be implanted in someone else's eyelid. Then at least you are doing some good.

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