Wednesday, July 08, 2009

Buy One Get Three Free

Yesterday I drove past the friendly local fireworks store. Yeah, it's actually a store. It's not like a kiosk or a dude who sets up a tent with tarps wrapped around two of the sides, it is a bona fide store with shelves and doors and the whole nine yards. But I see the fireworks store every day, so that in itself was not what excited me. What got me all worked up was the meaning behind the words printed on the banner that was hanging on the friendly local fireworks store. The banner read "Buy one get three free" and all I could wonder was why I wasn't at the fireworks store buying fireworks.
Seriously, would someone please explain this to me? Why are we all not at the friendly local fireworks store with all of our life savings buying FOUR TIMES as many fireworks as we would normally be able to buy? Seriously. We should be walking in there with wheelbarrows full of cash money and driving away with trailers full of bottle rockets and those giant ash worms that you can get. Oh, and M-80s and Black Cats and all that other fun stuff that will blow your hands off if you are not careful. That's what I want and that is what we should be buying.
Why? I will tell you why. Because it's a great freaking deal and fireworks are sweet. Listen, you go and buy a bunch of awesome fireworks at a sweet price today while they are all on super sale and then you can light them off all the rest of the year. New Years Eve? Light off some fireworks. Lose your virginity? Light off some fireworks. Child comes out Asian when you are white as a ghost? Light off some fireworks. It doesn't even need to be such a grand occasion. With deals as good at this one you can light off some bottle rockets when dinner is done, or set off one of those sweet ones that goes way up and goes off shooting in each direction then goes off again with smaller pops and the embers float down to Earth whenever the Knicks win a game. And we all know that fireworks make any occasion special.
Listen, I can hear you all out there worrying yourselves about how you can afford to spend a bunch of money on fireworks just because they are on sale after the Fourth of July. You are the same people who go out and buy thirty-six bags of M&M's on February 17th just because they went on sale super cheap after Valentine's Day. Either that or you buy new garden shears just because they are on sale and there is a coupon in the Sunday paper even though you live in an apartment and there isn't a blade of grass for miles in any direction. But that doesn't make sense to me. You are the very people who should recognize the greatness of this deal. Buy one firework and you get THREE MORE. That means you get FOUR fireworks for the price of ONE firework. That is the best deal in the history of deals.
So anyway, that is where I am going to go and what I am going to do. And it is where you should be going and what you should be doing. Buying fireworks. That's the most important thing that you can do with your life EVER. By engaging in this one simple activity you will be bringing joy not only to yourself but to everyone else that is ever near you for the rest of your life. All you have to do is buy one and get three free.

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