Saturday, June 27, 2009

The Prius Has An Accelerator Too

     I am not exactly sure why I hate the Toyota Prius so much, but I do.  I can't stand the little thing, which doesn't really make any sense.  When I see one I always want to either a.) T-bone it as it goes by if I am stopped at a traffic light and it's going by or something or b.) narrow my eyes, floor it,  and plow into the thing head on if it coming towards me on the highway or c.) do one of those police maneuvers that you always see them do in those police chase shows where you come up behind it and sort of just nudge it so it spins out and maybe flips over barrel-roll style a couple of times.
     It's not that it is styled poorly, although I detest the styling.  I am not a fan in any way of the big high ass end with the oddly pitched hatchback window that has to have a windshield wiper on it because it faces pretty much straight up at the sky, which, as all you science majors know, is generally where rain comes from.  Granted, I have never been a fan of Toyota styling since like the early 1990s, but still, I think the Prius is exceptionally awful.  It sort of looks like a gigantic version of some sort of nano-machine insect navigating its way along the road on its appointed rounds, which may be why I want to crush it underfoot so badly.
     I don't think I dislike the Prius because it is a hybrid vehicle.  I mean, I know I am not like some sort of green tree hugger - I drive around in my dead dinosaur fueled vehicle just for fun and burn down trees just for the sake of making fire - but I am not exactly open pit mining lead and then throwing it into local rivers and lakes, either.   So I guess that what I am saying is that while I am not the most environmentally sensitive dude around I am not anti-environment.  And I am not anti-hybrid.  Let's be honest, I like the Honda Civic hybrid.  I am fascinated by the hybrid vehicle technology.  I love how they recharge themselves whenever you hit the brakes.  Not like I am going to go out and buy a hybrid for myself, but I am cool with them.  Except for the Toyota Prius.
     Oh yeah, now I remember.  I hate the Prius because I have never seen one that isn't getting in my way somehow.  I actually recently went through the archives of all the times I have ever been passed by a vehicle, and it has never been a Prius.  EVER.  But if I had a dollar for every time I have been stuck behind a line of like seventy-one cars on a two-lane road and then when I get to the passing lane I find out it's someone in a Prius driving 45 mph on a bright, sunny day I would be able to buy like, three sundaes at the Dairy Maid.  That's one for me and one each for two of my good friends.  Wherever I go, it seems like there is always a stupid Prius around somewhere going at or below the speed limit, which I understand I shouldn't really be upset about except that it keeps me from driving beyond the speed limit, which I admittedly like to do more than I should.
      Seriously though, those things have an accelerator.  I know it.  And they have not only a gasoline engine but like a twenty-four pack of batteries to make it go.  That's like having two sources of propulsion and that should be enough for you to get the hell out of my God-damned way, don't you think?  I mean, there is nothing I like more, as you could imagine, than driving at drool-inducing speeds for mile after mile after mile only to finally be able to pass a lavender Prius driven by an elderly person or a middle-aged guy wearing a polo shirt.  I sometimes wonder if they issue people a polo shirt with the purchase of a Toyota Prius, because everyone driving one seems to be wearing that particular article of clothing.  
     So push the accelerator down, Polo Shirt Prius Guy.  Please, for the sake and sanity of the rest of us.  I know you didn't buy your lame Prius because of the environment.  I understand that you bought it just to save yourself gas money beck when gas cost $5 per gallon, but you are actually hurting the environment because the rest of us have to use so much extra gas passing you so that we can keep up with the flow of traffic that it is obscene.  So seriously, you have a Toyota, they are known for their high quality of manufacture, it won't hurt anything for you to push that baby past 55.  Do it for safety's sake.  Did you know that Toyota Prius' cause more deaths in North America each year than lightning bugs, cardboard boxes, AND grass snakes combined?  I just made that statistic up but I imagine it is true.
     So please, drive your abnormal car at a normal speed and then the rest of us won't get so enraged.  Although I suppose it could be worse.  There could be like a Scion xB hybrid driving around acting like a Prius.  That might be enough to put me over the edge.

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