Wednesday, June 24, 2009

The Little Kids We Are

     Did you know that if you screw something up, Company, it's not your fault? It's not your fault at all. And with a little bit of money, and the right letters sent covertly to the right media outlets, it is the fault of just about everyone else. If you get in a car accident, it is the fault of the city because the street was paved unevenly. If you burn the roof of your mouth on some pizza straight from the oven, it is the fault of the pizza place because they didn't tell you it was hot. Or maybe because they served it to you right out of the oven. Of course, if your food was cold you wouldn't pay for it, now would you? How's that for being stuck between a rock and a hard place. If you spray bathroom deoderizing spray in your face, it's not your fault because you are a fucking idiot and pointed it the wrong way, no, it's the fault of the manufacturer because they didn't tell you it would hurt if you sprayed it in your eyes. Well get out your God-damned brooms, because I declare shenanegans, because none of those above scenerios is true. You know who pulls that kind of horseshit? Little kids.
     And you are not little kids. You are a fucking retarded retard. If you aren't smart enough to know that your God-damned coffee is hot, then you deserve to be burned. In fact, you should have to wear a helmet shaped like a dunce hat at all times, day and night, 24/7, or like Boss Lady's daughter says, 24/9. That's even more time. We've gone ahead and added two more days of the week for you to be a fucking moron and wear your helmet around. If you don't know that the hot coffee you just ordered is hot, and you spill it on yourself on your way out of the drive-thru window, that's God's way of telling you that you probably SHOULDN'T BE DRIVING A FUCKING CAR. Is any of this registering?
     Seriously, we need to get out heads out of our collective asses and start taking responsibility for stuff. How our society is not teetering on the edge of dysfunction when it is filled with fucking stupid whine-ass bitches is beyond me. People do stupid thing. We do them all the time. I've done at least thirteen stupid things since lunch, and it's barely after breakfast. But you just admit that they are stupid and move on. Yesterday, I spilled tomato soup on my cream-colored shirt. Why? Because I am stupid for eating tomato soup while wearing a cream colored shirt when I know I am clumsy. It's not because Campbell's neglected to put a warning on the soup can that the product was red. It's not because the people who made the spoon didn't put a warning on the box that liquids may fall out of the spoon if it is tilted. That doesn't make any sense. They shouldn't have to warn me about that; I wouldn't read the fucking words on the box anyway. If I am too dumb to understand the dangers of eating tomato soup before I start eating it I probably shouldn't be eating tomato soup.
     That's a pretty good general rule, Company. One of two. Number one: If you don't understand the dangers of doing something, you shouldn't be doing it because you are too fucking dumb. Number two: If you get hurt doing something that you shouldn't have been doing because you are too fucking dumb to do it, then that's God's way of trying to thin you out of the herd. Here's the problem, folks, we can't expect everyone else to lead us around like little blind Helen Kellers and tell us every move and danger that might be in our way, okay? Parents can do that for little kids, that's okay. But you and I shouldn't have to do that for other adults. I shouldn't have to tell you that the fan blade will cut your finger off if you stick it in there. And there shouldn't have to be a sticker on the fan to remind you either. This is what should happen: if you are dumb enough to stick your thumb in the fan and get it chopped off, while you are writhing around in pain I should kick you in the sack and take all of your stuff, because you are too fucking inept to deserve to have any stuff.
     We have to stop being little kids, here Company. We have to start taking responsibility for ourselves, okay? So no more lawsuits every time something doesn't go our way. No more litigation because we got injured through our own ineptness. Just admit it and move on and learn your lesson, because, let's be honest, all the stickers in the world won't help some people; they will still have to get burned in order to learn that the fire is hot. And then you will probably sue the match maker. Just like the little kids we are.

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

So Phuque Stick, Two things here: 1. Who did what to get your Tiger print banana hammock in a twist, & B. I'm gonna tell my mommy on you that you used naughty words! &
3. Thining of the herd would be nice, but the shallow end of the gene pool seems to be where all the breeding goes on?!(just because you can fuck doesn't make you fit to be a parent) &
4. I think you need to do a couple of posts: "What It Takes to Be a Douche Bag or Douche Baggery 101(Subtitled DoucheBaggery For Dummies)", written purely as an objective observer, or another great post might be "Man Laws: Rules To Live By Whilst Navagating This Vast Blue Marble."