Sunday, June 07, 2009

What I Learned at the Bachelor Party

     So I went this weekend, or at least part of it, to G-Funk's bachelor party in Milwaukee.  I am going to spare you the details because one, I am sure that you don't want to know, and two because there were things that happened that you don't need to know.  You know?  Some things are better just left to lie, and that is what we will do.  That being said, it was a pretty great party, and it was a pretty tame party as their parties go.  That, combined with four and a half hours in the car with nothing on the radio led me to do some thinking, and I realized the key to getting old.
     It is a pretty simple thing here kids, and much like alcoholism or any sort of -ism, admittance is the first step.  Admittance, recognition, whatever.  But the point here is that, as your cakes have to get larger to accomodate all of your birthday candles, as people stop being able to figure out your birthday in Roman numerals, as you start thinking seriously about your retirement, you sort of have to come face to face with the sobering and sad fact that you just aren't the same guy or girl you were back then.  You can't run as fast, you can't party as hard, and you can't get a stripper onto the bus in only three minutes.  And that's a really, really hard thing to admit.  But it's also a really, really important thing.
     The thing about it is that there is no real way to figure it out until something happens.  Sort of like when one is ill.  You don't just wake up one morning, feeling the same as always, and be like "Holy shit I have the flu."  No.  You wake up and you are vomiting and sweating and have the sniffles and you are a guy so you know that you aren't pregnant or going through the change and you are like "Son of a bitch, I haven't eaten in six days and I just vomited again, I must have the Spanish influenza."  That's how it works.  There are a string of symptoms as to how you are just sort of losing your youth.  Maybe you lose to your niece in basketball for the first time.  Maybe you don't want the sport coupe model of the car anymore and you buy the mid-level sedan version.  Or maybe fifteen of you are on a short bus at 1 am and Moped is force feeding you beers because everyone is tapped out WAY before bar close.  And there is definitely no after party.  It is an eye opener to be sure because you want to be the same, you want to puke and rally, you want to be a champ like you used to be but you find yourself bargaining over how long you have to do the keg stand.  You want to be young because you aren't old yet, but you want to be mature because you aren't a teenager anymore.  And then you are there.
     So the key is to just sort of slow down and take it a little easier than you used to.  Don't start drinking at noon, start after dinner.  Don't stay out until bar close, bolt when the scene gets lame.  Don't try harder, try smarter, if that makes and sense.  That's the key to getting old.  That's one of the things I learned at the bachelor party.  Which was a great bachelor party.  So congratulations G-Funk.  And thanks for the good times guys.  And we will see you for the next bachelor party.

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