Monday, June 08, 2009

The Ambush

     Do you know what antiquing is, Company?  I do.  It's not like when you drive around in your Cadillac and look at shit that is old and rusting and lame.  Screw that.  That is not what I am talking about.  I am talking about doing it Bam Margera-style where you sneak up to to people with a camera and throw flour in their face while they are sleeping.  Oh yeah, people do that.
     And I am one of those people.  And I used to live with a bunch of those people.  When I lived with Young Errik and Neo we spent a whole week antiqueing people while Young Errik's friend was staying with us.  It was super fun but it was nerve racking.  Nerve racking because on any given night I expected to walk in the door and get a fistful of all-purpose flour in the face, which is not pleasant after eight hours of customer service on a Saturday night.  So anyway, that is the climate that I lived in, that came of age in so to speak, and in which I made all my friends, so one can understand that I was a little concerned when that dick Little Jeffy, Little Heather, and The Rising Sun all descended upon the Worldwide Headquarters AT THE SAME TIME the other day.  I knew I was in real trouble when I mentioned throwing water balloons around the girls.  And I knew I was royally screwed the girls bought a pack of 50 water balloons for like 80 cents at the friendly local big box retailer. 
     So I came home at lunch and they fed me a big, fat, nasty line about how they belted Little Jeffy with tons of water balloons.  And yeah, I bought it.  I never thought to look at him and realize that he was dry.  I never thought about how he was so eager to about going along with it.  I just laughed and moved on.  I knew though, I was suspecting something.  I was sort of thinking for a few hours that I was going to get it with water balloons, in the rain no less, as I came through the courtyard and up my back stairs.  It's narrow.  There are tons of good hiding spots for the throwers.  That's where I would have done it.  And when that thought crossed my mind was when I realized that they were going to ambush me half way on my walk home.
     And they did.  I had this sweet umbrella I borrowed with me.  It had white and lavender stripes running down it and the handle was like a carved swans head.  I don't know how all the girls that saw me with it kept their hands off me, but they managed to.  I was going to use it as a sort of half shield and half baseball bat for the water balloons that came hurtling through the air at me while I climbed the stairs.   But I kept thinking about that: That's where I would do it.  That's where I would do it.  That's where I would do it.  I knew they knew that I knew.  So as I stepped into the street on my way home from work I unsnapped the umbrella, like when the guy in the movie takes off the safety on his gun right as he steps into the dimly lit warehouse down at the docks that is filled with menacing crates.  And I had shifty eyes, not shift eyes like I am a cartoon character who just did something evil, more like huge pupils darting back and forth with a mixture of adrenaline.  My body, my psyche, my id, my in and my yang all knew it was coming somewhere along the sidewalk.
      And it didn't matter.  It didn't matter.  I expected them to be around in the neighborhood and they were but they still surprised me.  When The Rising Sun chucked the first one across my bow from behind the bush on my left was the first time I realized what was up.  I batted at that one with the closed umbrella and then popped it open to use as a shield right as Little Heather jumped out from across the street and started winging them at me.  In the end my plan worked pretty well except that Little Heather is short so she started chucking them at my legs.  It was pretty hilarious though, and a good time.  Especially with all the people from my work getting into their cars to go home.  So they got me.  And I learned that Little Jeffy never got pelted.  Oh no.  He had slipped through the defenses thanks to me and he still threw me under the bus like I was a Heath Bar wrapper or something.  Well it's on; I'm going to tea bag him tonight.  Looks like it's going to be a fun week.

2 comments:

KingBobb said...

One of the highlights that I particularly enjoyed was the donning of the costumes. Because we couldn't just blend in with normal society. As if normal society carried around a giant bowl of water balloons and giggled constantly. Oh no, after I was observed putting my raincoat on, the girls HAD to have sweet ambushing costumes. With thick bands of eyeliner under their eyes like football players. And garbage bag cut out raincoat suits. I can only imagine what the populace surrounding the Worldwide Headquarters thought. I, however, thought that it was hilarious.

KingBobb said...

And he didn't tea bag me. It's not like I'm the Pharaoh or something.