Saturday, May 23, 2009

Try On A Nice Turtleneck

     In my post "Try On A Nice Pair of Slacks" I wrote about how it is generally inappropriate to wear blue jeans to your big job interview.  And I stand by that.  However, because you and I and that other guy standing over by the bus stop live in a "do as I say, not as I do" type of world, and because I am wise enough not to take my own advice, I went to something resembling a job interview in jeans.  Well, not really.  That's a lie.  I did go, however, in shorts and a T-shirt, which I would normally do.  But this wasn't your normal job interview.  Still, I was worried about my appearance and apologized to Chef Tel, who was doing the interviewing, to which he responded "well at least you have a shirt on."  Wait, what?
     That's right, someone outdid me.  Outdid me in a way that I never expected that I would be outdone.  Never ever.  This guy came to his interview, for a job, which he obviously needed if he was applying for it, without a shirt.  I can only assume that he was also wearing blue jeans, because he just must be that kind of guy.
     I cannot begin to stress just how inappropriate it is to attend your job interview without a shirt, people.  Seriously.  I mean, there are only a handful of jobs - male model, lifeguard, operation patient come off the top of my head - that I would even consider interviewing shirtless for, and even then I think I would just wear some easily removed garment and take it off when they asked for it.  For example, I would wear a button-up shirt with very weak button attachments as opposed to a tunic or a judicial robe.  But still, like I said, I think I would wait until they asked me to remove it.  I mean, if you go to the doctor's office and just automatically get naked after the nurse leaves and says "the doctor will be with you shortly," which is bullshit by the way because you know as well as I do as well as does the nurse that the doctor isn't going be coming through that door anytime soon.  It's going to be roughly 20 minutes at the very least before you see anyone in a white coat floating around.  Anyway, if you are the type of guy or gal who just drops trow and loses the skivvies whenever you are the doctors office, and then the doctor has to come in and say "I am sorry, sir, but you don't need to be naked for me to flush your ears" then you are a weirdo.  So think about that.
     What I would not do, ever, is show up for a job in the food service industry without a shirt on.  For a couple of reasons.  First of all, they are so worried about cleanliness that they make you wear a hat or a net on your head hair.  Quite frankly, I think that if the powers that be in the health department are freaking out about getting your not-so-natural blonde locks in the spaghetti, I imagine that they would REALLY like you to cover up your mangy treasure trail while you serve up everyone's broasted chicken.
     Secondly, I don't know if you have noticed, Company, but the most famous sign on any restaurant in any town says "No shirt, no shoes, no service."  It's almost an alliteration, and it rolls nicely off the tongue.  It's an American service industry mantra.  So what makes one think that, although one cannot go into a 7-Eleven and buy a Butterfinger Crunch ice cream bar with no shirt on, you can go into a restaurant and get a job.  How does that work in your brain?  Honestly?  Did you really think that was going to fly there guy?  How much meth would you have to take over what period of time to make that equation balance in your head?  For how many years would you have to live under the power lines for that to make sense?
     I mean, even Joe Dirt would wear a shirt to a job interview, for Christ's sake.  I didn't ask many questions at the time but now, the more I think of it, the more questions I have for Chef Tel.  I sort of want to call him up and ask him for every little detail.  I want to call the guys from CSI:Miami to reconstruct the scene with some ballistic gel bunnies and inappropriately expensive designer clothes for police work.  I want to get a professional writer in to work with a psychologist to recreate the emotions and tensions of the interview, I am so fascinated.  Actually, I don't imagine that there were any tensions.  Because unless it is summer and there is a body of water nearby, or maybe I am talking to an old guy who has been mowing the lawn, if somebody is saying something to me who is not wearing a shirt, I am going to have a hard time taking anything they have to say seriously.  He'd be telling me all about how he was a bartender for six years at one of the most exclusive clubs in Las Vegas and I would be staring at that one long chest hair that sticks out about three inches left of his right nipple.  That is measured from the center point of the nipple, by the way, not the edge of the aureole like some people like to do.  That's just how it is.  So if you want a job, go out and get a shirt.  And put it on.  I guess I always thought that was just sort of common sense.

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