Sunday, April 26, 2009

Wings of Death

      Hello everyone, it is the Unpaid Interns here.  Big Dave has asked us to go ahead and write a little post for you today for a very special reason.  Normally he would ask us to go ahead and post a little something for you on a Sunday morning because he was hung over from yet another evening cavorting around the countryside, hanging out the passenger side window of a 1985 Ford F-250, hitting mailboxes with a baseball bat while drinking moonshine made from a mixture of antifreeze, apple juice, paint thinner, and sparking spring water.  But not this weekend.  He has been holed up in his underground bunker buried beneath the streets of Wilmington, Delaware because he saw something that frightened him to his very soul this weekend, something that we would like to talk about and that led us to title today's post "Wings of Death."
      To be bluntly honest, part of the reason that we titles this post "Wings of Death" is because that is the name of our band that all of us Unpaid Interns play in on the days we escape the Worldwide Headquarters.  Big Dave usually says he is our manager in a lame effort to pick up chicks sometimes but we assure you that he most certainly is not.  He takes most of our money from our gigs but that still doesn't make him our manager.  Sorry, we have gone a little off topic.  The real reason that we have titled today's post "Wings of Death" is because the unbelievably frightening thing that our fearless captor saw this weekend was the very first mosquito of the year, and it is not even summer yet.
     We went out onto the Internet and did some research and were unable to find much information about how much moisture mosquitoes need to grow, or what temperatures they need to reproduce, or even how they survive the winter, but we are pretty sure that it has not been warm or wet enough to produce any of these monstrosities.  Yet, through the screams and deep psychosis that it caused Big Dave, with the help of the best hypnotist that we could afford with the money we found in his wallet, we were able to determine that as he was getting into his car after messing around with his kayak out in the woods near the lake, he saw a lone mosquito float through the open drivers side window.  In too much shock to squash it on the spot, he sat motionless in confusion as the abomination crawled up above the headliner of the vehicle.  "It pretty much made me want to cry" Big Dave noted when asked how this truly awful, depressing event made him feel.  "I haven't even had a chance to enjoy the summer yet."  
     We took the liberty of contacting some government agencies, to see if they would be able to help us in this time of great shock and need.  While the executive offices of both the state and federal government declined to declare the Worldwide Headquarters a disaster area, although FEMA did say that they would send some trailers and blankets to the area as soon as they became available.  We are still trying to figure out exactly how that will help but we are thinking that maybe we can use them as living quarters instead of having to sleep in Big Dave's breakfast nook.  We were, however, able to strike a chord with some members of the state and local bureaucracy, as the the Department of Natural Resources (DNR) immediately issued a permit to fill in all wetlands or potential wetlands within 15 miles of the DNR office to eradicate potential mosquito breeding grounds, and the county tourism council immediately agreed to seek Federal stimulus funding to fumigate most of the county.  
      So we here at Big Dave and Company wish to advise everyone to go immediately to their friendly local retailer and stock up on big spray and screen tents, because the mosquito menace is upon us at an earlier and colder and drier time than ever before, which means that we are in for a long summer.  As for us we are off to our "Wings of Death" concert, and then to buy acres of mosquito netting for the Worldwide Headquarters.  But don't tell Big Dave.  Let him stay in his bunker so we can stay out and play until winter.  Even if we have to cover ourselves with bug dope.

No comments: