Saturday, April 25, 2009

Tom From Upon High

     There is a dirty Hollywood secret that few people are aware of. There are lots of actors and actresses who make literally piles of money, big heaping piles into which they jump and swim around as if they are Scrooge McDuck, from simply lending their voices to the millions and millions of useless, annoying commercials that appear throughout and in between our TV shows.
     Oh yeah, little known fact. Companies across the board, from Tropicana Orange Juice to General Motors to Don't Bait Shop in Uriah, Alabama hire well-known actors and actresses like George Clooney or Marlee Matlin, okay, maybe not Marlee Matlin but perhaps Minnie Driver or someone like that to do voice overs. The idea here is that on some sort of subconscious level you hear these cherished and beloved voices and it makes you feel sort of warm and fuzzy way down in your creamy center and that my friends, is what makes you buy three dozen wax worms from Don's when you really just want to use a lure anyway. So yeah. But sometimes the voice is a little too familiar and distinct, and sometimes you have a raging, mega hard boner for Magnum P.I. and you realize that Tom Selleck is pitching a bunch of stuff all the sudden.
     So yes, it happened one day. I was lying on my couch doing God knows what and suddenly I heard Tom from upon high, telling me that I should be drinking Florida Orange Juice. He told me how healthy and good for me it was, how it would perk me up in the morning and give me almost a whole day's quota of all sorts of Vitamins and stuff in just one serving. He conveniently forgot to mention, however, that one serving is like 64 gallons, and that much would give me many canker sores. For me, maybe not for everyone but for me, that's like the gilded leader beckoning me to buy this product. If the commercial would have featured him in a Ferarri and a Hawaiian shirt I would have bought into a Florida citrus farm somewhere down there. But it was just his voice, and that was enough.
     About a week later it almost drove me over the edge because I heard him shilling for the website, which is put together by a consortium of recreational vehicle associations. This pretty much brought by world and my life and most of all my brain to a rapid, screeching halt like in Smokey and the Bandit when the Alabama State Patrol car slams on its brakes and slides sideways across the pavement. So that basically happened to me. The reason that this was such a big deal was because I, as you know, basically have a man crush on Thomas Magnum AND I have always wanted an RV so it was like an orgasmic blending of influences that pretty much made me want to finance myself to the hilt in order to have a sweet popup and a truck to pull it behind. But my better judgement, lack of ambition, and the fact that I wasn't wearing any pants kept me on my couch wishing I had an RV of some sort. But then another thought sort of slipped into my mind.
     Why is Tom Selleck all of the sudden feeling the need to do voice overs for every corporation under the sun? Okay, that might be a bit of an exaggeration but why is he suddenly appearing, or at least his voice is appearing, in so many commercials? Has he been doing this many voice overs all this time and I have never noticed? Or has he just begun? I don't imagine he is in much financial trouble. I mean, aside from his Magnum money he's done a lot of other stuff. He had a recurring role on The Closer, and those guest spots on Friends, and he's been doing all these Jesse Stone things that no one seems to know anything about. But he keeps doing them so someone must be watching. So why the voice overs so suddenly Tom? Maybe he just got hip the idea. Or maybe he wanted a little extra to pad his retirement account what with the economy in the dumps. Or maybe he has finally realized the power of his magnificent voice and charisma. Either way it's working, because I think I'm going to get myself a nice big glass of orange juice and see how cheaply I can pick up a camper on eBay.

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