Monday, April 27, 2009

Tea Bag Me

     America runs on coffee, let's be honest here Company.  Think about how many coffee makers you see in the course of one day.  Think about how many people have gotten rich thinking up funny things to put on their coffee mugs.  Count the number of Starbucks that you pass walking down four blocks in Midtown Manhattan.  Back in the days of yore the American barons made tons of money hauling coffee here from South and Central America, while we left the British to loot China and India for their tea.  And that's been fine for years and years and years.  It's worked.  It's always been sort of like the Spanish and Portuguese after Pope Alexander Vi threw down the Line of Demarcation: they stayed on their own side of the room and left the other side to be.  Once we discovered coffee over here and had that ugly divorce from England, we were content for the most part to throw bean ground into a nasty percolator while we left leaves in bags to the English, Chinese, and Russians.  And that has always worked just fine for all these years.
     Apparently somewhere along the way we here in America wanted in on the teabag action despite our daily jonze for coffee.  But how could we go ahead and get our share of the world's tea supply without having to stop drinking God's nectar, a.k.a. coffee?  Well, we decided to put it in everything else.
     Yeah, like that helps anything.  We stick it in candles because apparently it smells good.  And we do it with all sorts of weird stuff.  Teaberry candles.  Tea Salt Candles.  Teawood, which is also the name of a nearby ritzy subdivision.  I still to this day cannot tell you what tea smells like on its own or why I would want it to be the scent of my house.  I know that on the occasions that I make myself some tea it doesn't smell all that great.  It doesn't even smell as good as the coffee Dr. J. makes every morning at work.  So why would I want my house to smell like that, huh?  I guess that green tea smells alright but then why are we having to combine it with every other scent that we can find.  If green tea isn't good enough by itself, why would it be any better when we combine it with something called dogwood?  That doesn't make sense to me.  And sometimes they stick it in bath oils too, so that we can smell green tea while we take a bath.  Well I have news for you, Company.  Sticking tea in hot water is how you brew it, so when you are putting the tea flavored bath oils in the tub with you and your rubber ducky all you are doing is brewing a soapy batch of the stuff that is additionally flavored with your dirty body soils.  And that's just wrong.
     We like to put tea on ourselves, and none of us know why.  It is in our shampoo.  Because it makes our hair silky smooth or something.  It is in our hand cream because it keeps our skin hydrated.  It is in our facial creams that girls and some guys spread all over their face before they go to bed at night because it exfoliates.  And now I saw a commercial that they are putting it in the stuff that women use to shave their legs.  I guess that would be women's shaving cream, now wouldn't it?  But they stick it in there because it apparently makes your skin smooth.  Well here's my question?  Has anybody actually bothered to go ahead and look into this?  I mean, has anyone gone ahead and done the scientific research on this?  Because it seems to me a little bit messed up that a LEAF will be able to smooth and hydrate your skin AND fix all your hair problems AND make you lose weight (they are pitching a green tea weight loss supplement lately) AND help your cholesterol and heart and whatever else, just based on when it was picked.  Like, if it was picked six minutes after the leaf formed it will exfoliate, if it is picked three days later it will help your hair, and if it is picked and let lie around on a dock in the deepest China for six weeks until it gets funky then we drink it in our cups.  That just doesn't seem right.  Even Superman can't do all that stuff.  He might be fast as a speeding bullet but seriously, he doesn't do a thing for my pores.
     Okay, seriously Company, has anyone ever stopped to think that maybe companies are just saying that there is tea in their stuff just because the rest of us are dumb enough to buy it just because it has tea in it?  Has that ever crossed anyone's mind?  Because it has certainly crossed my mind.  It seems to me that if tea were such a miracle worker, the Chinese, who have been cultivating and consuming tea since time immortal, would have been using that for all that stuff.  I mean, they were pretty smart - they figured out gunpowder, the compass, and had the earliest fleet of transcontinental ships - I think they would have been able to figure out that green tea is the best thing in the history of the world.  So why is it that in China they pretty much drink it while they go about their daily lives, but here we spread it on all of our 2000 parts?  That just seems strange.  But then again, what do I know.  I don't make any sort of body cream or candles.  And those are the people who really have it going on, aren't they?  
      So let's go ahead and keep the tea off of our faces and in our cups.  Of better yet, let's go ahead and leave it with the English where they will really appreciate it and brew it from bags, or with the Russians where they really need it to keep them warm and brew it from a liquid concentrate, or with the Chinese where they invented it and brew it directly from the leaves in hot water.  If it's such a big deal that we can't stay on the coffee side of the line anymore then lets at least drink our portion of the world's tea pie and not spread it around on our faces.  Because let's be honest, that doesn't make any sense at all.  But it seems to me that drinking it would.

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