Saturday, April 04, 2009

Pimp My Ride

Well Company, I don't know if you remember or have heard or maybe were the perpetrator, but I have had some bad experiences involving my beloved DykeSedan lately. See, it turns out that when you have a car that doesn't lock, parks in a public parking lot, and doesn't move for days at a time it is prime target for vandals. Makes sense, right? One would think so. And so it has been with my poor little car. People have been going in and out of it, stealing things from it, and breaking parts of it. But the other day, it was disrupted in the most nefarious of ways...

That's right, my ride was mysteriously pimped. In the middle of the day, no less. I was lying on my couch, minding my own business, certainly not shopping for aftermarket car parts that high schoolers and my nemesis would spend their allowance on. (I was actually taking part in my four-hour marathon fantasy baseball draft. I will wait until you are done laughing to continue) Anyway, there I was, doing my own thing, feeling safe in my comfortable World Headquarters, and I get a random text message from a number that I have never seen before. And it's one of those fancy picture messages that you kids are all sending these days. And what I see is a very familiar vehicle with a very familiar license plate and some very unfamiliar acoutrements. I didn't quite know what to do.
Needless to say I raced down to the scene. The villains had left; scurrying
into the back alleys or wherever they hang out. And what they left were hideous blemishes on the beautiful yet shitty facade of my sweet car: a tomato can exhaust made out of an actual tomato can albeit a fancy-pants model with a gold ring where the lid used to be, and a fake-chrome barbed wire license plate holder that is super cool if you are 16 or maybe from the South and driving a 1984 Chevy Camaro Z24. Oh yeah. And the renegades actually had the temerity to install it correctly and the whole nine yards. Oh yeah. This was no drive-by blinging. This was a pre-meditated attack.

So I did what any other rational human being would do. I called the Army. I told them what was going on. I calmly explained the situation to the nice desk sergent who answered the phone and was less than impressed when she did not seem to care. I wasn't asking for much: I simply wanted a co-ordinated effort between the Army, Navy, and Air Force to cover as much ground and water as humanly possible with a multi-billion dollar defense budget. But the nice people at the Army didn't seem to think that a platoon of infantry, six C-130's and a nuclear submarine were really necessary to find the people who were messing with my car. They didn't feel that it was a "proper use of the taxpayers money." Fine. So I turned to other areas,

After being turned down by The Department of Homeland Security, NASA, Corporate Security & Investigations, LLC of Cleveland, Ohio, The Big XII Conference, Michigan Works!, 60 Minutes, and Rodney Patterson of Tuscon, AZ I didn't know where to turn. But then, it came to me. The images flashed before my eyes and the voice-over ran through my head:

Oh yeah. I hired the A-Team. So here's the deal. If you are the one who took it upon themselves to go ahead and "pimp" my ride so I looked like an extra d-bag version of my nemesis, it's on. That's right. The A-Team is here and they are looking for you. Well, not yet. First off, they are looking for the dude who sold me this van:

But as soon as they find him and foil whatever evil plot he happens to be involved in by somehow simultaneously flipping his vehicle, knocking out his henchmen, AND convincing a wayward teen to stay in school they are coming for you. And they are going to take you down. Downtown baby. So I wouldn't so much as hide, but maybe I would run. Actually, knowing the history of the A-Team I would probably go ahead and just call them up and surrender. Be like "We did it, we are sorry, and we won't do it anymore. We've learned our lesson and we won't pull these types of shenanegans anymore." Maybe then they will go easy on you. But whatever you do don't fight back. Don't do it at all. Because quite frankly, you will lose. In a very embarassing type of way. You car will flip over. They will tie you up. They will shoot literally thousands of rounds of ammunition from automatic weapons right at you yet never actually strike you. There is a pretty good chance that they will attempt to hit you with a helicopter. Murdock will howl in some strange sort of way or weird you out somehow by being kooky. Mr. T will say "I pity the fool who reverse-vandalizes people rides." Hannibal will say "I love it when a plan comes together" right after they tie you up and leave you for all the Military Police that are hot on their tails, which is odd to me because the Army is happy to chase the A-Team around but they won't help me? That's hypocracy. Oh, and Face will sleep with your wife. That's how it has to go down. And that's how it WILL go down; just you wait and see. Because the A-Team is after you, and you ass is grass, no matter who you turn out to be. Even if it just turns out that it was Mikealicious and Chef Tel playing a sweet prank.


Adrianne said...

"I will wait until you are done laughing to continue." (Good one) And for the record, I had already figured out it was Mikealicious before the end of your entry.

P.S. Nice can.

Mikealicious said...

Why does it always have to be me? I did have help.

Anonymous said...

I hope Mr. T. gets the bastards that did it !! - has anyone thought to interrogate the "D" Sedan? I mean couldn't he (it is a he, isn't it?) pick them out of a line-up or something?

And for Christmas this year you will recieve (if you don't move out of that crime infested area you are living in by then) AT LEAST four, motion-sensored remote control cameras with audio hookups. (I will start a collection jug for them today).

SOMEONE HAS TO DO SOMETHING TO STOP THE CRIME IN THIS CITY!!!!!! And I prefer not to spill any blood but you know what happens when we are pushed to our mf----ing limits!!

We'll just start with the cameras ok?