Tuesday, April 14, 2009

Kosher Tequila

     I have fantastic news for all of the Mexican Jews out there who are regular readers and fans of Big Dave and Company. I know that with Cinco de Mayo, which is like basically the same holiday as St. Patrick's Day but in Mexican trim, coming up you are very worried about being able to get so drunk that you can't even speak celebrating a holiday that you know nothing about but still being able to be the devout religious person that you are. Well, there's good news for you. A New York businessman is looking out for you on this, the second drunkest holiday in May. He has decided that he is going to make kosher tequila for you.
     And why not? I mean seriously. Why shouldn't the Jewish community be able to celebrate the Mexican victory over the French at the Battle of Puebla in 1862? That seems to be a totally normal, common, regular thing for a good Jewish lad or lass to do, doesn't it? I mean, Israel is awash in Cinco de Mayo celebrations every year, everybody knows this. Mexico is their largest trading partner and most staunch ally through thick and thin. That's not true. I made that up. But that's the farce of it all. Cinco de Mayo has basically just become, at least in America, another reason for people to get drunk and act like idiots celebrating a culture that they are not part of on a day they know nothing about. Sort of like St. Patrick's Day. And it's pushed ahead into meaninglessness by corporate greed. Just like every other holiday.
     So anyway, I guess we shouldn't be surprised that Martin Silver of Long Island-based Star Industries has decided to go ahead and get a rabbi to certify the methods being used at his Mexican plant to make half-a-million cases of 99-proof, high-end kosher tequila called Agave 99. It's going to retail for $41.95.
     Of course. We don't really care about the poor Jewish people who might want to get all tanked up on this greatest of Mexican holidays. Those people can literally go to hell because they have to drink Corona. Maybe they can save up the $42 for the tequila. This is very obviously a product aimed at a very narrow and stereotypical segment of the population. I would guess that it's probably not going to be sold outside the major cities but hey, you might as well make a buck when you can. Because nothing goes with Orthodox Judaism quite like 99-proof tequila; it makes total sense to me. The bottom line is now all my Mexican Jewish friends can get drunk for Cinco de Mayo, get in a fight, have unprotected sex with some random stranger, drunk drive home, steal a sign from the bar, and vomit in many, many public places all while not having to worry about sinning with non-kosher tequila. Fantastic.

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