Wednesday, April 08, 2009

The Highs and Lows of the Shamwow Life

     Hmmm...well it has certainly been an up and down week for our boy Vince from the Shamwow! commercial.  Seriously, his emotions have probably been bobbing up and down like a boat on the waves, but since the super-absorbent Shamwow! he always keeps in his pocket would probably just soak up all the seawater he was floating in I guess it would be more appropriate to say that his emotions have been bobbing like his hired hookers' head while she was earning her keep.  Yeah, he hired a hooker.  Let's start with that.
     No no, let's not.  Let's throw that in as a tease.  Because that's pretty much like the part of the roller coaster when you come down the big hill and back to the platform and have to come to terms with the fact that it's over and you have to stand in like for another hour and a half before you can ride it again.  Let's start out with some good news in the life of our boy Vince.  First, the good news: the Shamwow! is a success.  I mean, it goes beyond the sweet commercial with the guy who says that it is impossible to successfully wash a vehicle without a Shamwow! and the pre-requisite mom-and-daughter combination screaming "It's ShamWOW!" in unison while wearing annoyingly large and fake-blinged sunglasses.  Seriously, the Shamwow! has sold a lot of units.  And that's pretty cool.  So when you are the face, the voice, and charisma behind a successfully selling product, that's got to feel awfully good.  So we've been riding the big hill up to the top...click after agonizing click as the chain pulls us up.  The chain in this analogy is the Shamwow! cloth I'd guess, and the TV viewing audience is the guy who makes sure everyone is belted in maybe?  I don't know.  Which would leave Vince being on roller coaster and then Billy Mays is the girl in the front row screaming that she wants to get off?  I am not sure, I haven't totally worked this out in my mind yet.  But anyway, things are about to change.
     Now for some bad news, Vince.  Due to your unfortunate recent incident, now everybody knows your last name, and everybody knows that it's Shlomi.  How unfortunate.  I am not terribly surprised.  I mean, everything about you in retrospect sort of screamed "Staten Island" and now that I know your last name it screams it through a megaphone.  And really, honestly, it dims your coolness a little bit.  That's why movie stars change their names.  That's why Brazilian soccer players only use one name.  I mean, Vince Shlomi?  That sounds like a bad Italian meat product.  Or some sort of Jewish term for a dumb person.  I don't know.  But it definitely was one of those things that you probably didn't want a whole lot of people to know.  "Oh geez Big Dave, who sold you that awesome Shamwow!" Now I have to answer 'Some guy named Vince Shlomi" and hang my head.  Before I could have been like "Some dude named Vince with this crazy headset thing."  I am definitely not a satisfied customer in that regard.
     But it's not to worry.  On our Shamwow! roller coaster ride this is just that little dip that always comes right after the big hill on any good roller coaster.  Oh yeah, you get worked up for the big rush and then you go over the hump and down like ten feet and into the flat.  You have no idea what the hell is going on and then the bottom falls out.  But sometimes, on the REALLY good ones, there is another hill.  And it brings you up to new heights that you never thought possible.  And that's what happens next.
     Billy Mays, welcome to our story.  Officially at least.  What you don't know, what you didn't hear, is that Vince has been fighting with Billy Mays.  But I know all about it.  And so do the people at Popular Mechanics.  Because we are plugged into the cleaning product underground and you aren't.  Don't be ashamed, it's a tough world to crack.  But here's the deal: Billy Mays, who is the slutty whore of the infomercial world, went on the radio for whatever reason and instead of trying to sell me some sort of cleaning product or an electric can opener that opens the can from the middle of the can or something, he decided to take some shots at Vince Shlomi, and it's all because of something called the Zorbeez from two years ago.  Something that I don't remember and don't like because it has WAY too many "z's" in the name.  But anyway, according to Billy, who takes infomercials far to seriously, Vince Shlomi has "unleashed and woken up the sleeping giant" and asked for a "pitch-off."  Unsurprisingly, no one cared.  Not even the morning shock jocks in Greenville, S.C. whose show I assume Billy did this on. 
     The people at Popular Mechanics, however, did care.  So much so that they were willing to commit the ultimate party foul and pour some blueberry beer they had lying around (GASP!) on some carpet that they had lying around (quizzically raises eyebrow).  Then, just to keep up their reputation around the scientific method-types, they soaked up some water and measured drying times, too.  And you know what they found?  Shamwow! by a mile.  Or how about this: Shamwow! by as much liquid as a Shamwow! can soak up, which is a lot.  100% of the cola I care to spill on my carpet, according to the commercial.  I am not going to get into the details of the results because I don't have a "science degree," and because all that really matters is that the Shamwow! won, but let's just say that it certainly put Billy Mays in his place.  Which is on TV selling me college football on ESPN apparently.  And strangely enough, Billy has quieted down about it.  Our boy Vince Shlomi was at least smart enough to just keep his mouth shut and let his superior product do the talking.  I wish he had been as smart on a steamy Miami night in February.
     This is where the Shamwow! begins to unravel for Vince Shlomi.  Or, since we've been on this roller coaster analogy this is where it starts to be all downhill, with lots of twists and turns and maybe even a 360 loop.  A-Town wrote about this on his blog.  One night in Miami, Vince, who is 44 but certainly doesn't look it, decided to do what every good male pseudo-celebrity does and got a hooker.  Her name was Sasha Harris, in case you were wondering.  He paid her $1000, or the price of 401 Shamwows!, to knock around his junk.  And to have sex with him in his $750 per night room at the lavish Setai Hotel.  Vince then claimed that when he kissed her she proceeded to bite his tongue.  Well of course she did.  What the hell were you thinking, Vince Shlomi?  Seriously, haven't you every seen Pretty Woman?  You don't kiss a prostitute.  You just don't.  Of course she bit your tongue, she thought you were some sort of sick freak.  So Vince did exactly what any good American male would do if a hooker had him by the tongue in his ridiculously expensive Miami hotel room: he started punching the hell our of her.  Right in the face.  Bold strategy, Vince Shlomi.  But ultimately effective, as she released it.  Both were injured and, again not surprisingly at 4 am in Miami, both were drunk.  They both look terrible in their mug shots, but I think Sasha came out looking the better of the two.  And they were both led away in cuffs.  Now, nobody is surprised that Sasha was, because she's been arrested for prostitution twice before, but everybody was surprised about Vince Shlomi.  But we shouldn't be.  It was bound to happen.  He hasn't had any charges pressed against him, and I doubt he will.  But I am sure Sasha will find some seedy lawyer to take her case and sue his pants off.  Maybe Horatio Cane will get involved.  I am sure that in the end they will settle out of court for some cash and a lifetime supply of Shamwow!'s and we can all forget about this whole thing.  The roller coaster will have come to a complete stop and the next "celebrity" will be getting on as Vince Shlomi gets off.  And we can do it all again in a couple of weeks.  Aren't roller coasters fun?

1 comment:

bankingplanes said...

You forgot about the Slap Chop Dave. Vince says "your going to love my nuts..."