Monday, March 09, 2009

Soft Drinks and Illegal Drugs

     Mmmmm...soft drinks and illegal drugs.  Back in the proverbial day, at my old work, there was a woman who had long ago established an account with the company to cash checks named Pepsi. Her last name was Cherry, so when you looked at it in the phone book, or maybe if you looked at it normal and you were dyslexic it read Cherry, Pepsi.  I never had the honor of meeting Ms. Cherry, but I know some people who did and they seemed to say that she was alright.  There have been tons and tons of strange and truly awful names that people have been stuck with, and I always thought that Pepsi Cherry was on the lighter side of that.  I still would not have wanted to have it though.  I thought it would make life hard but that was before I heard about Marijuana Pepsi Jackson.
     Marijuana never goes by Mary Jane.  But I am going to call her Mary Jane anyway, because I have never cared.  PePe doesn't usually go by PePe.  Mom Away from Mom doesn't usually go by Mom Away from Mom either.  Dr. J doesn't usually go by Dr. J but I think he likes it because I saw him trying to dunk from behind the basket out in his driveway the other day.  The point here is that I NEVER call people by their real name and I don't intend to start now.  So I am going to want to call Marijuana Mary Jane real bad.  But that would probably never work because Marijuana is not the type of person who would let that happen.
     I have never met Marijuana but I would really like to.  Because she seems like one dynamite lady.  She has spent the bulk of her life overcoming the same type of stuff that many of us overcome: Divorce, poverty, etc.  Oh, and she's a single parent, too.  But she has also had to overcome having the name Marijuana Pespi.  And she has turned out to be a "tall, striking, self-assured, motorcycle-riding woman" who is a schoolteacher who has a master's degree in higher education administration and is about to get a doctorate in the same thing.  All while being saddled with that "smoky, carbonated name" as the Milwaukee Journal Sentinel's Jim Stingl noted in his article.  
      I think, though, that my favorite thing about Marijuana is not that she is dedicated to doing something good in her hometown of Beloit, Wisconsin, which is a kind of a shithole so it needs it, but my favorite thing is that she is totally cool with her name.  Not only is she totally cool with it but she makes you be cool with it, too.  She doesn't shove it in your face, she hasn't been trading on her name since time immortal, she's not like Stephen Baldwin.  She's just her, she's just Marijuana.  That's her name, that's what you are going to call her, and no one is going to make a big deal out of it, okay?  If you don't like it, you can stick it in your pipe and smoke it.  HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!  That just might have been the funniest thing in the history of funny things.  Put it in your pipe and smoke it?  YES!  Say that "yes" in your mind like Ed McMahon was saying it.  Seriously though, please excuse the pun, even though it was fantastic.  
     But like I was saying, ultimately the thing that I most admire about Marijuana is that she is comfortable in her own skin and makes you be comfortable with it too.  You've got to have a good head on your shoulders and a dynamite sense of humor to succeed and thrive in life with a name like that.  You can't be all uptight and fucking retarded like a hockey fan going over the glass into the penalty box to attack a player, who by the way is wearing TONS OF PROTECTIVE CLOTHING and has sharp metal objects attached to their feet AND a stick to hit you with.

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You can't be like these tools if you have a name like Marijuana Pepsi Jackson.  You've to be a cool customer.  And that's what Marijuana is, the coolest of them all.  So best of luck with whatever you decide to do Mary Jane.  I hope that you succeed wildly in whatever you do.  So much so that we become known as The Pepsi Generation.  Okay, that one was terrible.  It wasn't even close to "put it in your pipe and smoke it."  HAHAHA.  Oh man, that's a good one, that "put it in your pipe and smoke it."  I am so funny...

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