In case you have no sense of what's important in life, you may not know that the greatest thing to ever come out of Wisconsin since Jeffery Dahmer is celebrating it's one year anniversary. Of course I am talking about "Big Dave and Company." You and I both know the only reason you're reading this right now is because of Big Dave and his mysterious Company. I would have never become a blogger if it weren't for BD & C. Heck, I wouldn't even have the legions of fans that flock to my blog from all over the tri-state area if it weren't for Big Dave. He and the Company inspire people. He inspired me to get off my ass, walk four steps to my desk, sit on my ass again and create "Mind Junk." As a result of that I am a better human being. Let me tell you a story...
I was a troubled kid, always running my mouth and getting into scraped with the neighborhood toughs. I was what you would call a real scrapper and I thought I had the world by the short and curlies. I'd cut class to hang out under the bleachers, smoke cigarillos and drink Mad Dog 20/20. Pretty heady stuff for an eight-year-old girl. Instead of playing "My Little Pony" I was betting on "Mama's Hangover" in the third. I was headed for a life of boozin', usin' and losin'...until that fateful day I met the Company.
I was walking my usual route down Elm St. toward the race track when an old flesh-colored van peppered with rusty holes pulled up along side of me. I yelled my usual salutation of "Go fuck yourself!" at the tinted windows. There was no response. What happened then would change the course of my life forever. The side door of the van swung open and a giant arm grabbed me and pulled me in right off the sidewalk! Before I had a chance to scream a piece of duct tape was placed over my mouth. I looked around me and saw a cast of colorful creatures who appeared to be from Wisconsin. (At this point in the story I must refrain from giving the reader a physical description of the members of the Company. They have strong ties to the Yazuka and I would probably end up as doggie chow if I went into too much detail.)
A low, husky voice not unlike that of Kathleen Turner said "We are the Company and we are here to help you." They then explained that they were members of a religion based on the teachings of Big Dave. They spoke for hours of this "Big Dave" with such compassion and sincerity that despite myself I became intrigued. I needed to know more about Big Dave and what the Company saw in him. As soon as the duct tape was ripped from my mouth I demanded that I meet Big Dave. I was in luck, for the Company informed me that we were on our way to meet their savior at that very moment. We had a nice lunch of chicken salad sandwiches (the kind with grapes in it) and Orangina.
We pulled up to a modest looking main street in a small town somewhere in Wisconsin. I'd never been to Wisconsin before and was amazed at the multitude of bars and bowling alleys that stretched as far as the eye could see. We entered one of the many taverns on the avenue and was met by a weathered old barmaid named Rhonda. She reeked of Pall Malls and Peppermint Schnapps. She was glad to see the other members of the Company and embraced each of them at first sight. I then saw them do some weird, secret greeting that is too obscene to describe. Rhonda looked at me with disdain in her eyes. "Is this the little shit from Michigan?" she wheezed. The Kathleen Turner-esque Company member assured her that I was who she thought I was. She then asked Rhonda for permission for me to meet with Big Dave.
After hesitation the old bag gave in and led me upstairs to a door with a large number "4" on it. I was told to knock three times. I nervously knocked and then heard a booming and intimidating voice..."WHO DARES DISTURB MY SLUMBER?" The door opened, and there was Big Dave. "Aw, hey guy, just kidding" he said and led me into his apartment...
I'm sure all who reads this knows what happened next. Dave touched me...he touched my heart. We became fast friends and have remained so ever since. I would like to congratulate Dave and the Company on their year of Internet domination and keeping all who read his blog abreast of the situation. Way to go Dave!