Early American Rockers
Having read the short biography of the author of the book, I can assure you that I know exactly what she means by "Early American Rockers." But that doesn't mean anything. Because this book is not being read only by her. Or the people in her antiques club. The people are going to be twelve-year olds and r-tards like me and my buddy Friend Steven. Except that I don't think he'd ever read this book. The bottom line is that when she says "Early American rocker" she means a rocking chair, basically like the kind that Betsy Roth sat in while she was in negotiations with George Washington about the little flag that he wanted made. But when I think "Early American rocker" I think about Benjamin Franklin backstage at a, I don't know, minstrel show or whatever the hell they listened to back then with a serving wench on each arm, smoking a bud and getting ready to go meet Patrick Henry down at the ale house. I also think of Brett Michaels, because he is a rocker and I just think "early American" when I think about that. Maybe it's because he's deeply weathered but he's still always covered with about 16 coats of paint, sort of like an old Vermont barn. And that's about as Norman Rockwell early American as one can get.
And so it goes, Company. Early American rockers are wooden, skeleton rocking chairs with little cushions that have ties that go around the spindles and keep it in place. And the hurt when you accidentally rock them down on your foot. And your Grandma has one, and so does mine, and so does your best friend Stephanie's. And that's odd because these are the most uncomfortable chairs in the history of man, unless of course you were sitting on a one-legged chair with no seat. That might be a little more uncomfortable. Maybe too one of those chairs that David Nathaniel always makes when we are at the beach out of a big stump he chainsaws the hell out of and leaves a back on. They are amazing if he gets the angle right, but if he doesn't I might as well have the Brett Michaels chair.
So enjoy your early American rocker, Company. For the rest of the day, if shit has got you down, just say "early American rocker" and it all will be better. I promise. And look for another wonderful idea tomorrow.