Monday, February 16, 2009

President's Day

     Well, it's President's Day, Company.  Unless of course you are a teacher or a student, in which case it's Teacher Inservice Day.  Also, if you are a salesman of any sort then it is the President's Day Salestravaganza.  Because that seems to be all that President's Day has become these days anyway.  But in reality, it's a day that we have chosen to celebrate the forty-four great men who we have chosen to lead us through the forest into the great sunny meadow that is, I don't know, something good.  But anyway, the day we chose was one that roughly split the birthdays of our two greatest Presidents: George Washington and Abraham Lincoln.  A surveyor and a lawyer.  Fantastic.  But what about all the other guys who were President?    Why did we not sit down and plot the birthdays of all the men who have been President and then pick the day was the mean?  Wouldn't that be more appropriate and fair?  I think so.  If I was John Tyler I would be pissed.
     First of all he was John Tyler, Jr, thank you very much. And second of all he was the Tenth President of The United States of America.  Grand title, isn't it?  And he was notable because he was the first President to become so through succession.  Which means that no one really wanted him to be President.  He was the "Tyler, Too" part of the slogan "Tippecanoe and Tyler, Too."  That was the campaign slogan of William Henry Harrison, who unfortunately was unable to dress himself and got sick with pneumonia at his own inauguration because he wasn't wearing a coat.  And so we have John Tyler as the Tenth President.  His birthday is on March 30.  No one seems to care about that.
     What about Woodrow Wilson?  First of all, his name was Thomas Woodrow Wilson, thank you very much.  He was a pretty well-known and famous President, wasn't he?  Fourteen Points, League of Nations, all that jazz.  No?  He was pretty famous.  He was the Twenty-Eighth President of the United Stated of America, and even grander-sounding title than John Tyler had.  And Wilson was re-elected for a second term.  He is also famous for steering the USA into World War I like Billy Joel driving a car into a mansion in the Hamptons.  But he also steered us though and out of the war, much like Nicholas Cage steering Eleanor through the streets of Los Angeles in Gone in 60 Seconds.  But despite all this complicated steering that he did, and a dynamite soundtrack, no one cares that his birthday is December 28.  That's one day after mine and the same day as Sue Too's.
     Jimmy Carter was the Thirty-Ninth President of the United States of America.  First of all, his name was James Earl Carter, Jr, thank you very much.  And he was a peanut farmer.  He was the only peanut farmer ever elected President of The United States.  I didn't have to look that up.  That is just one of those facts that one just knows.  Jimmy Carter, unfortunately for him, is only famous for two good things, and one of those happened after he was done being President.  And he is famous for about 637 bad things.  My favorite of the bad things is that he had an infamous run-in with a rabbit, much like I have problems with deer.  Peanuts and rabbits do not a good image make.  But it's alright.  His birthday is October 1.  So why are we celebrating in February?
     I want to talk about Grover Cleveland now.  First of all, his name was Stephen Grover Cleveland, thank you very much.  I love Grover Cleveland because he was President not once, but TWICE.  And it wasn't like he was re-elected after his first turn.  Oh no.  He sat out a term when that bastard Benjamin Harrison stole the Presidency in 1888, even though Grover won the popular vote.  So he's sort of like an Al Gore but he actually got to be President somewhere along the way and never won a Nobel Prize.  So suck it, Al.  I am just kidding.  But Grover is just great all around a the Twenty-Second AND Twenty-Fourth Presidents of The United States of America.  That's all you need to say.  His birthday is March 17, and you have to count that twice because he was President TWO SEPARATE TIMES.  So I did the mathematical calculations, and by that I mean I searched the web for someone else who had, and the results are shocking.  Here is what I found out.
     There were four Presidents who were born in February, which is all well and good.  But the month with the most Presidential birthdays is October.  The month with the second most is November.  July and August are also above average.  So this mean that the average date has to be sometime in the late summer or the fall.  Definitely not February.  So what's with that?  Why February.  You can't fight math, history.  If that makes sense.  In any event President's Day should be sometime in September but since it's here today Happy President's Day everyone!  Even you, John Tyler, Jr. 

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