Thursday, February 12, 2009

Friday the 13th

      Well, Company, it's Friday the Thirteenth and we all know what that means. Freddy Krueger and Jason Voorhees have been hanging out together, talking and trading tips, training together in the basement of an abandoned factory in St. Louis, and someone else who us just as crazy like Jigsaw is going to call them up to see what they are up to and they will all realize that it's Friday the 13th. So then they are going to roll out across the countryside and kill the shit out of scantily clad co-eds until daybreak. Great.
But we've all been here before, haven't we? We all know that nothing is going to happen. Nothing beyond the usualy Friday stuff anyway. You will go to work, unless it's your day off in which case you will lie around your house in your underoos eating Edy's Grand Ice Cream and watching The Price is Right. Maybe you go to school if you are a young-un. But I can tell you what you won't be doing. You most definitely will not be getting hacked to pieces by a chainsaw operated by a mask-weilding freak of nature. Bottom line.
      This is why I don't worry about Friday the 13th. Not at all. First of all because I am not a scantily clad co-ed. No knife-wielding maniac is going to come after the tubby bachelor sitting on his couch watching Good Eats, Second, there are a couple of things that I always hear. One is a chainsaw. Another is someone breaking into my apartment. So, based on the fact that I am pretty good about responding to those two things, I think I am going to be alright when it comes to Friday the 13th. Now, I hear you naysayers out there going "But what if you are out walking down the street, maybe strolling in the park and they are waiting for you and they jump out from the doorway of a business or they will come running across the grass and you aren't going to be able to hear their footsteps and WHAM-O! Sliced in half by a Husqvarna." Well, I am going to tell you that if you are so scared about Friday the 13th then maybe, just maybe, you should stay home tonight. Don't go hang out in the park after dark. Don't go to the movies. It's pretty simple. Agoraphobia is the fear of leaving the house. It's what the guy in Ocean's Twelve had. Be an agoraphobic for one night. Honestly. It won't kill you to read a book once in your life.
     So settle down a little bit, okay? Friday the 13th was just a date in a movie. Okay, that's a lie. For years, like way since before you were born, Friday was considered an unlucky day and the number thirteen was believed to be an unlucky number. Fine. But eight is considered by many to be lucky, and some cultures find Thursdays to be lucky, but on one is getting all riled up when Thursday the 8th comes around, right? Because nobody has ever come out with a movie about Thursday the 8th. It's freaking ridiculous. Let's wise up and settle down folks. Nothing is going to happen unless you or someone else goes out and makes it happen. And the easiest way to allow that to happen is to believe in all the hype. Now, if it's a full moon too we are screwed.

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