Saturday, January 31, 2009

Wii Hate Ozzy

     Oh Ozzy.  You are not what we expect.  You are not a crazy, drug-addles former Black Sabbath singer who has a crazy family and got famous a second time for doing a hilarious reality show.  No.  You are a little dog.  And you are a little dog who struggles.  For those of you who do not know what I am talking about, here's the skinny: At Christmastime in the great wilds of Michigan's Upper Peninsula a family received a Nintendo Wii entertainment system.  One of the coolest things about this is that the controllers can sense your motion, so you use them less like a video controller and more like a prop.  For instance, if you are playing baseball you make the motions of batting and the guy on the screen swings at the ball, same goes for pitching.  Well, as you can guess, when you are playing the bowling game that comes packaged with the console you have to get down like you are bowling.  They even require you to wear the ancient shoes that have had thousands of pairs of feet in them just this week.  
      Well, that is all fun and well until you take your Wii and combine it with an annoying little yippie dog, such as Ozzy.  One day, while Ozzy's family was playing Wii bowling he did what little annoying living dustmops do, he jumped up and got in the God-damned way.  This was not a good decision on his part.  He jumped right in front of where owner Kathy White was attempting to Wii bowl, and she smacked Ozzy in the temple.  Hard.  Hard enough that she knocked him out.  In fact, Kathy says that she "killed him instantly."  Or at least that's what she though.  He may have been as good as dead but neighbor Pene Honey hadn't had her say yet.
     Pene rushed into the scene like she's Horatio Caine, JAG, and the friendly local EMT all wrapped into one and proceeded to give the dog mouth to mouth.  Now I don't know a whole lot about dog physiology, but apparently there is some sort of cross-wiring in little annoying yippie dogs that allows mouth to mouth to overcome massive head trauma.  Yeah, it's true.  Pene did mouth to mouth and revived the dog.  The dog went to the vet the other day and it's fully recovered.  Amazing.  And strange.  But the strangest thing to me is what has happened since the day of the incident.
     Since then, the Fearsom Foursome of Pene, Ozzy, Kathy, and he daughter Alexis have been in bigger demand from the media than recently disgraced Illinois Governor Rod Blagojavich.  They have been on Countdown with Keith Olberman, the biggest radio show in Australia, and they even got a call from The Ellen DeGeneres Show.  That's nuts.  Kathy noted that "For...almost two weeks straight, I've had constant phone calls of people wanting me to be on the talk shows..."  How crazy.
     I am not sure that I agree with all the media frenzy surrounding this business.  I mean, I admit that it's a nice story, heartwarming even, but let's get real here people  Let's not make a gigantic deal over a stupid little dog and a clumsy gamer, okay?  If this dog was ugly as sin or if it had died no one would have even taken notice.  And honestly, we shouldn't celebrate this.  That dog is stupid and probably deserved to be knocked the hell out.  Maybe it learned a little something.  Like to stay away from the Wii or maybe not to walk in front of an oncoming wrecking ball.  In the end all this shows is what America really has a soft spot for: stupid little yippie dogs and video games.  Fantastic.

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

You know if she didnt have a little yippy pile of shit dog he would of just looked at her pissed off and maybe bit her. then we could call this wii bit our owner cause the bitch hit me.