That's right, our old buddy Vince is at it again. You might remember Vince as the gentleman who hawks the Shamwow! in commercials on evening time cable networks. He doesn't do infomercials, he does like thirty or sixty second spots, but he does them in a way that no other person really does. He is not overly fake rehearsed calm like the Ronco guy seems to be, where he has no idea what is going on outside of the tunnel vision he has towards the teleprompter. He also doesn't scream at you with fake excitement like that insufferable Billy Mays does. (By the way he's hawking ESPN online fantasy leagues now, which just makes me sort of want to puke. When he appeared on the sideline of their coverage of one of the college football bowls a crack team of police negotiators had to talk me out of stabbing out my eyeballs with a grapefruit spoon.) But he has a great mix of enthusiasm and familiarity which makes it seem like one of my trusted friends mated with one of those guys who runs a street game, and that's the person who is selling trying to sell me shit.
This time, though, I was not so impressed. For two reasons. The first is the implication of his hawking this new product, the Slap Chop! I was all about my boy Vinny when he was hawking the Shamwow! I was like "Hey, these guys actually found a good spokesman for their crazy TV product. But now I am seeing him up there trying to sell me something new, and he's insulting me in the process. It would be one thing if here were up there with a new Shamwow! commercial but he's hawking this chopper and telling me that it will help me eat more healthy foods. He also implies that I like ice cream. I mean, I do like ice cream but that is not the point. The point is that Vince thinks that I think I am fat and I don't like that. But even that isn't the disconcerting part for me. The thing that makes me cringe is that Vinny is hawking something new. Which means that he is going to be another Billy Mays, and we are going to be super annoyed with him. He is going to be on my TV with his trademark headset and attitude trying to get me to buy everything from wristwatch cleaners to life insurance. And that makes me sad. We don't need another one of those. I thought Vince would be above that.
The second reason why Vince and his new product makes me upset is that the Shamwow! seemed to me to do things that no other product did. I mean, there was probably some other shammy cloth that you could buy at Mills Fleet Farm that would allow you to suck up cola through the shag carpet in your van, and I guess that a Shop Vac would do the same thing, but come on. That Shamwow! did some pretty cool stuff. But this new Slap Chop!? I am not buying it. You know why? Because I already have one. In fact, I just got it for Christmas and I love it. It's actually sitting disassembled in my sink awaiting a cleaning because I have used it YET AGAIN to make something delicious (it was tuna salad). So why would I want to buy a Slap Chop! from Vince when I already have one or I could buy the exact same thing in the store. Mine is made by Kitchen Aid, a brand I know and trust, and while it can't really be slapped it can be gently pushed into doing the exact same thing as the Slap Chop! for roughly the same amount. Plus I don't have to give my credit card or bank account number out into the world, I don't have to pay shipping and handling, and I don't have to wait 3-5 business days for it to come. And there is only one difference between the two products, well two. First the Slap Chop! opens like a butterfly for cleaning, which is cool. Mine opens in a different way but it still gets clean. Also, if I buy a Slap Chop! Vince is going to throw in a sweet matching grater which is cool but it tells me that the Slap Chop isn't worth the ten or twenty or whatever bucks they want for it.
So the bottom line is Vince is back with some new shenanigans and I am not buying it. Not one bit. I am sorry Vince, but the love affair is over. I have given away my Shamwow! and moved on to something new. I am over you like you are Tyler Burke. Sorry.