Monday, January 05, 2009

Christmas Bloopers

      I don't know if you remember, Company, but right before the new year began we had to live through the horror that is the Christmas season.  And it was during this season, while I was piss drunk at the bar, that I saw a commercial for a Christmas Bloopers show on TV.  This commercial angered and disturbed me enough that I scribbled a somewhat legible note to myself on a bar napkin to remind myself why I was so upset by the whole thing.  Allow me a moment to decipher what I wrote and we can get down to business.  
     From what I can read my problem is that Christmas Bloopers never change.  And that must be my problem because, quite frankly, my feathers get all ruffled when I think about it.  Of course the Christmas Blooper that they chose to to highlight on this particular commercial was of a middle aged man falling into a Christmas tree.  No shit!?  Really!?  I didn't know that happened at Christmastime, anywhere, ever.  I suppose that the video they showed was the perfect one to put on the advertisement because, honestly, that's the only Christmas Blooper ever shown on any of these shows.  That's it.  Nothing else.  For whatever reason, millions of Americans manage to take out their Christmas trees Dick Van Dyke-style and get filmed while doing it.  It's like we have a nation of Gerry Fords out there decorating for the holidays (if you don't get that joke you are too young and should either a.) ask your parents or b.) get your hands on some 1970s era Saturday Night Live episodes).  
     I guess that nobody in this country can set up a Christmas tree, open a Christmas present, or walk through a living room without plunging headfirst into a Christmas tree.  Because every single year enough people do it in front of home video cameras to fill a half-hour special on ABC, which means that countless others must perform the same act that don't get caught by their spouse.  Based on the calculations I forced my unpaid interns to perform involving the frequency of Christmas Blooper shows and the number of home video cameras sold since 1999 out of every four people you know, three and one half of them has destroyed a friendly local Christmas tree with their foolish oafishness.  So what's that, 7 out of 8?  I don't know; I have never been good with fractions.  But since I have never fallen through anyone's Christmas tree I am forced to assume that you have.  Congratulations, you are going to be on a Christmas Bloopers show come December.
     I really wouldn't mind the Christmas Bloopers show if there was a little variety in said bloopers.  Give me a Christmas tree strapped on top of giant SUV and getting knocked off by a low bridge clearance.  Shoe me someone wrapped in Christmas lights like they are seaweed at an expensive spa.  Dig up a video of a small child shaking presents.  Or maybe the family dog playing with all the used wrapping paper.  Or maybe a family where someone runs in and switches all the tags on the presents so the youngest son is getting a woman's housecoat and mom gets a chain saw.  I don't care.  If you have to have Christmas-tree related hilarity show me someone getting hit in the crotch with a Christmas tree somehow.  Just make sure they don't fall into it once they are whacked.  Because that would drive me crazy.  We've seen enough of that business.

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