Friday, January 30, 2009

Beer Clouds

     On Tuesday night I was watching my favorite show, The Universe, on The History Channel when I heard something astounding.  They told me that there are clouds of matter in space that are filled with organic molecules of ethyl alcohol.  For those of you who are not alcoholics or chemistry majors, that's the same alcohol that is in beer. 




I cannot even begin to lay out the ramifications of this discovery.  It is quite possibly the most important discovery in the history of important discoveries.  It has such amazing wide-ranging implications.  Let's look at some of them.
     First of all, the folks at the National Aeronautics and Space Administration (you might know them as NASA) have found water out there, or at least they think they have, on a moon of Saturn called Enceladus.  This moon is only the sixth-largest moon that orbits Saturn, and it's orbit is right in the middle of Saturn's diffuse E-Ring, which is a notoriously bad neighborhood and most likely why you've never heard of this little, out-of-the-way spot.  But it does have water, so that's cool.  And if you have water on Enceladus and ethyl alcohol just sort of floating around in clouds out and around the reaches of the Universe, you have the makings of BOOZE and that is fantastic.  Not only has NASA found one of the main things required to support life on other planets, they have discovered the main ingredient required to have night life on other planets.  Isn't that fantastic!?
     Plus, this most amazing news is going to change the way that NASA goes about their business in ways almost unfathomable.  Right now, NASA is a bloated, slow beauraucracy that engages in important scientific missions that fail to relate to the bulk of working blue collar Americans.  Well, my friends, that is about to change.  With the quickness.  Because if there is one thing that brings together the good people with blue, white, red, etc. collars it's beer.  And you can make a lot of beer out of that.  The History Channel people said that the amount of alcohol floating around in just one cloud could provide every person in the world with like 52 glasses of beer every day.  That's probably not right but it's a close approximation.  So with that kind of beer potential NASA will be on this like the parents of a child beauty pageant contestant on a hair spray sale down at Wal-Mart.  Can't figure out why?  Don't worry, Company.  I will tell you.  Because everyone likes booze.  The blue collar people will be behind this.  And the NASA people, well they are all college educated, and guess what 64% of college is all about.  That's right.  The sauce.  So they are all about it.  They won't be messing around with things like safety and technology and being part of the government.  They will have a manned mission to the beer cloud in like a year, tops.  And they won't stop until the streets of America run amber with a nice, perfect head of foam.
     You know what else?  Everyone in America will be behind this.  NASA will never have a funding cut again, EVER.  Not that it will matter.  I remember back in the day collecting all my empty cans so I could have enough money to buy beer.  I remember skimping and saving so I could have enough to have a little fun come Thursday, Friday, Saturday night, or Sunday afternoon.  So I am sure that NASA would be happy to spend lavishly to get a million billion gallons of beer from space.  I mean, who wouldn't?  We lost the race into space.  Who cares?  We won the race to put a man on the moon.  So what?  We could win the most important race in the history of history.  The race to the beer.  Ex-President Bush spoke of putting a man on Mars.  Screw it.  Skip Mars, skip Jupiter, stop in Saturn's neighborhood to pick up some water, then it's off to the beer cloud.  That's where I want NASA to go.  That's something that will enrich everyone.  Just think about it.  It will be great.

1 comment:

Roxy said...

And people wonder why I love the History Channel.....seriously!!