Monday, December 08, 2008

Stay Off the Ice: Update

     Well Company, I got a nice commnet via e-mail about the post the other day entitled "Stay Off the Ice." It came from B-Town, who noted that the other day she saw someone who had indeed driven their car out onto a frozen lake in order to go ice fishing. Since most people won't drive a car out on the ice unless there it's at least 8 inches think, and smart people won't drive their car out there unless there is a foot of ice, this made me look at the floor and sadly shake my head back and forth in a way that said "Hey, I am disappointed at how stupid my fellow man is." Because there is no way that there is six inches of ice on the lake, let alone twelve. But it also made me a little angry. So in the spirit of that anger, here is what I hope happens to that guy and his car:
     I hope that the car goes through the ice. I am not going to lie. That'll teach him. So anyway I want the car to go through the ice but I want it to land on a sand bar. I want it to go through and land right on the sand bar so it's sitting in the water about halfway up its hubcaps. I want the car to sit there all winter long; the ice can freeze up around it, that's fine. I want it to sit there until spring for everyone to see. And then in the spring I want them to go get it out of the lake, and I want the guy to pay his elventy billion dollars in fines and cleanup costs to the Department of Natural Resources. But it's not going to end there.
     See, I want some good to come out of this, Company. I want the world to profit from this guy's lack of common sense and intelligence. So this is what I want to happen come springtime: I want the local Lion's Club or Rotary or Knights of Columbis or Shriners or whoever, one of the service organizations in town, I want them to take posession of the car. I mean, let's be honest, that guy doesn't deserve to get his car back anyway. So I want the Lions Club to take posession of it and I want then to tow it back out on the ice every winter and place it somewhere random on the lake with a big, long, heavy-duty chain hooked up to the front axle. Then I want them to let it sit all winter and I want everyone to wait.
     I want everyone to wait until springtime again, and then, as the days grow longer and the sun grows warmer, I want to Lions to go around and sell raflle tickets. Well, more like, I want them to sell squares. For a dollar or two or five you get to pick a day and an hour that you think the car will sink through the ice. For instance, I could fork over two bucks and buy April 20 between 4 and 5 pm, and then if the car goes through the ice at that time I win a prize like a 21 inch color TV or a two-night stay at the Holiday Inn Express out by the freeway. And the proceeds from the sale go to the service organization so they can help the kids, or the disabled, or the veterans, or whomever they help. Plus, it's exciting. Because you never know what's going to happen once the car goes down. Did they park it over the deep part of the lake? Is it back by the sand bar again? Maybe it sinks down right on top of the spring at the bottom and it keeps popping up from the deep every couple of minutes. That would be cool. What if it sank down and landed on ANOTHER VEHICLE that was at the bottom. Oh man would that be awesome. And how does it go through the ice? Does it just sink down slowly like a balloon deflating? Does it go through with a crash and a roar? Who knows? It is filled with mystery and anticipation, and people love that kind of shit. It will keep the town mesmerized for weeks. Plus, then we get to watch as it's drug out from the bottom of the lake with the chain attached around its axle, and that's always fun to see. Expecially if it catches on something and gives the tow truck driver a hard time.
     Doesn't this sound like a great idea? I think it is, because everybody comes out a winner. First of all, the community gets an event around which they can rally. They also get a very public reminder about the dangers of venturing out on the ice too early or late in the season. The dipshit who went out there gets publicly humiliated every year, which I know is a little bit of a steep price for his sin but honstly, in five or six years he's going to be laughing about it himself. Plus, the service organization gets a sweet and unique fundraiser, and whomever they are serving gets, well they get better service. So we are all winnners. Doesn't that just sound terriffic?
     That does sound good. Almost too good. Too good to be true. And it is. Because the prigs down at the DNR would never let that happen, no matter if you removed all the potentially harmful elements out of the car. It's because they have no heart for the orphans or veterans or disabled kids that would be helped by the raffle. They care more about the nasty carp living at the bottom of the lake than they do about a little girl who's fighting lukemia. It's because they have lost their joy. That's right, the DNR is no longer able to experience joy; they are like automatic, unfeeling robots who will confescate all your fishing gear just out of spite. So they won't let the car re-create its plunge on a yearly basis. And I am sure that somewhere in a non-descript office building in Connecticut there is an insurance company representative who is definitely not cool with the idea of the Kiwanis sinking a car through the ice every year. Because someone might get hurt, or property might be damaged, or the insureance company may have to pay someone a couple hundred of dollars, or someone somewhere might actually smile. So they would kill it. And so would the fire department. And probably the police department. And then one year they would park it over someone's dock or swimming raft and then that person would sue and the whole thing would turn into a legal fiasco that gets national attention and makes everyone look at the floor and sadly shake their head back and forth in a way that says "Hey, what the hell is wrong with out society?" and then it will all get called off. No, someone would kill the buzz. That's why it's too good to be true. And you know what? It's not true.
     In fact, I didn't even make that who scenerio up myself. I stole it from Garrison Keillor. He wrote about how they do that fundraiser every year in Lake Wobegon, his made-up hometown in central Minnesota. So I totally stole it from him and embellished it a little bit to make it more user friendly. But I still think that it is an awesome idea, and if anyone would really want to try it I would whole-heartedly endorse it. I would even sell squares. And I would be there checking on it every day. Bam! I'd be all over it like it was a beer at a tailgate party. And that would be that. But anyway, that's what I want to happen, mostly because it would be great. But it never will; at least not in my lifetime. So I guess that in the meantime I will just sit here and sigh...

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