Friday, December 19, 2008

Kidz Bop

     I have problems with Kidz Bop.  Lots of problems.  I don't know who got this idea or who green-lighted it or who worked so hard to make it happen but I am pretty sure that they all should be drug out into the street and put in the stocks, listening to Kidz Bop, for about 14 hours in the hot sun with no access to water.  Because Kidz Bop is wrong in so many ways that I can't even begin to enumerate them. 
     Okay, that's a bit of an exaggeration.  But I do have many problems with the whole Kidz Bop sun of albums, which is now on Kidz Bop 15 by the way.  First of all, I have a big problem with the title.  I think that everyone knows exactly how much I hate it when people use a "z" at the end of a word when it is supposed to be an "s."  Same goes when they use a "k" at the beginning when it is supposed to be a "c."  So before I ever knew what it was all about I was already against it.  It's a lame name to begin with, so even if someone had the trademark on the name Kids Bop (and I can't imagine why unless there is some sort of game where the heads of babies pop up and you have to hit them with a big mallet) they should have scrapped it because it's a retarded name for any album.  But if they spelled it with a "z" on purpose, well they should probably be committed or maybe just shot in the face.  Because that is the most ridiculous thing in the history of the world.  Okay, slapping a "z" on there is so stupid that even the New Kids on the Block didn't do it.  Because they knew that only a retarded retard would buy an album by New Kidz on the Block.  And that's the awful truth.
     Unfortunately, that is not the only thing that gets on my nerves when it comes to Kidz Bop.  The whole concept of it does too.  I mean, who in the world wants to hear a bunch of bratty kids singing pop songs.  In general, pop songs bug me enough, especially living somewhere that only features them, oldies, and country on the radio.  Even the people who get paid millions to belt them out start to chafe on me after about a week, so I can't imagine who would want to hear a bunch of fifth graders sing songs that are already overplayed. Especially since they slow the songs way down and sing them like they are meant for someone in an English as a Second Language class.  Maybe a deaf person.  Or someone who is drunk all the time.  I bet that Kidz Bop sounds like the Mormon Tabernacle Choir when one is all hopped up on Snowshoe Grog.  But I can't really think of who would want to buy it otherwise.  I don't even think that the Kidz Bop kidz would want to listen to that bullshit.
     My biggest problem with Kidz Bop, however, is the songs that the kids sing.  And not so much that they are overused in their regular form on the radio, but that they are for the most part horribly inappropriate for kids to be singing.  Some of the songs they sing are exposing the kids singing them to ideas and concepts that you really should be exposed to when you don't even have two digits in your age.  "U Don't Have to Call" by Usher?  Are you serious?  Are you absolutely serious?  I mean, you have to be fucking with me.  This is a song about HOOKING UP WITH OTHER PEOPLE'S GIRLFRIENDS!  Is that the kind of stuff you want your stupid kids singing about?  Has anybody actually thought about reading the lyrics on these things before they hand them to the kiddos?   Beyoncé's "Irreplaceable?"  Who the hell picked out that song?  It's about a rich, promiscuous girl and a guy looking for a sugar mama.  Great lesson for little Dylan or Jeena or whatever the hell you are naming your kids these days.  Maybe Ranger or Sierra.  Whatever.  Do you want them learning that lesson when it comes to adult relationships?  On the same Kidz Bop one can find "Lips of an Angel" by Hinder.  This is a terrible song that should have been wiped off the face of the earth with  Hinder long ago.  But aside from being lame it's about a guy who is sneaking around on his girlfriend.  Great.  Don't be surprised when your daughter ends up on the pole.
     The list goes on and on and on and on and on and on.  And on.  Every time I turn on the TV and see a commercial for the new Kidz Bop I want to puke.  In fact, I usually do a little bit in my throat.  And it's usually blood that I am puking up because my eardrums have burst from having to hear Kidz Bop on my TV and the blood is running down into my throat.  That's how awful it is.  There is always some new and popular song that should not be in the ears and minds of youth.  I mean, let's do a little bit better job of picking the songs our kids will sing.  Can the geniuses who make this monstrosity maybe pick songs thinking about the kidz and a little less about the money their parents will have to pay to buy these awful albums?  Maybe then our world will be a little better place.  A little less Maury Povich and a little more Wonder Years.  Wouldn't that be sweet?  I think so.  Because I am about ready to Kidz Bop myself in the face with a meat tenderizer.

3 comments:

Pepe said...

No shit! What made some half-breed record exec think that Christina Aguilera's ANYTHING would sound better out of the mouths of babes? She's still a whore. And whores say whorish things. And whorish things sound even more whorish when they're being spewed forth from a 3rd grader in a sequinned tube-top. I weep for the future. . .

Big Dave said...

Weep for the future indeed...

Roxy said...

Amen!