Wednesday, December 31, 2008

Helpful New Year's Resolution Suggestions

     I am not going to look back on 2008 here, even though I really want to way more than you will ever know.  But I am not going to do it.  I actually have one of the unpaid interns sitting next to me with one of those electric cattle prods and every time I start to look back with anything even resembling nostalgia he shocks the hell out of me with it.  Little does he know I am going to kick his ass seven ways from Tuesday as soon as the New Year rolls around.  Or I am going to make him go live in a studio apartment with Little Jeffy and The Pharaoh in downtown Orlando.  That would teach him.
    Anyway, it's always terribly difficult to come up with a sweet New Year's resolution once January rolls around.  So we here at Big Dave and Company have taken the liberty of coming up with some super sweet, totally original, and completely attainable New Year's Resolutions for you to mull over in your drunken stupor as nobody but that creepy guy with a missing tooth and two different colors of hair hits on you.  Congratulations, it's your first regret of 2009!  Anyway, put all these resolutions on little slips of paper and draw one out of a hat.  Or, if you'd rather, put them in fortune cookies and randomly pick one of those.  It doesn't really matter.

I resolve to learn to pack parachutes in both military and civilian style.  Very few people know how to do this, but it's a really handy skill to have.  I am not advocating packing parachutes and then using them; I am not all about jumping out of planes if I don't have to.  But I am just saying, I think you would be really cool if you had parachute packing as a skill.  And the best part is, nobody will ever call you on this one.  Because no one wants so sit around and watch you pack the damn thing.  They just want to know, nay, believe that you can.

I resolve to visit every NFL stadium.  Easy.  This one is pretty simple.  32 stadiums in 32 cities.  And most of them are major urban centers with lots of cheap flights, with maybe the exception of Green Bay and Jacksonville.  The rest though?  No problem.  We are absolutely not advocating going to an NFL game in every stadium.  Oh no, that would be prohibitively expensive.  It's like eleventy billion dollars for a ticket to an NFL game in most cities, even up in the nosebleeds.  And who would want to go see the Oakland Raiders play?  Listen,  most owners have figured out that the NFL season only lasts 17 weeks, like 21 if you count the playoffs and like 25 if you add in the preseason.  So that leaves 27 other weeks of the year when nothing is going on at the stadiums.  So most have restaurants or Halls of Fame or pro shops in there.  You can buy a Rams coat for super cheap and donate it to the coat drive for some needy, unfortunate kids.  Now that's a resolution that benefits everyone.

I resolve to learn how to do routine maintenance on my car.  So simple, and a life skill that you should have anyway.  Plunk down the $35 and hear down to the Learning Annex and discover how to change your oil, change your spark plugs, jump your battery, change your air filter, all that jazz.  It really something you should know anyway.  Besides, if you are a dude it will impress the chicks.  Maybe, I don't know.  I am not a chick.  But it's something you should do anyhow, because it can get you out of a jam and it can save you a ton of money.  Because the $35 you spend, and the $3.75 in gas to get to and from the Learning Annex is about what you'd pay to have ONE spark plug replaces, let along the 10 in that ridiculously over sized Dodge Ram V10 you are driving to mask your small cock.  And it's actually way less than the cost of the 36 gallons of oil it takes to fill your engine at the Express Lube.

I resolve to throw water balloons at local teenagers.  OH. MY. GOD.  This is not only so attainable but so fun.  The teenagers are douchbags who cut across your lawn every day.  Or they leave cigarette butts in your bird bath.  Or they scream outside the movie theatre.  Either way they suck and they need to get a reminder that they most certainly do not rule the world.  And you need a reminder that you used to be a teenager and you used to like to have fun.  So hit your local K-mart and get some balloons.  Fill them with the finest water your local tap has to offer.  Then perch on a roof, hide in come bushes, or just do a drive by.  But pelt those little bastards and ruin their iPods.  They are just filled with awful pop or R&B music anyway.  Now that's a New Year's Resolution that makes a guy feel good.  Unless he's a teenager.  Oh, and just a little tip to keep you out of jail...if you live in a cold climate maybe wait until the summertime to complete this one.

I resolve to read Big Dave and Company every day.  Okay, okay, bare with us.  This is shameless self promotion.  Understood.  But at least we are cloaking it in a thin veil of self-improvement and attaining goals.  And besides, come on.  We just gave you four sweet New Year's Resolutions to use that will be able to be a success AND will make you feel good about yourself, the least you can do is take a few moments out of about 350 days to read up on what we have to say.  You wouldn't want to disappoint the unpaid interns, would you?

I resolve to travel somewhere I've never been before.  This one is easy too, and every place has something unique and maybe even charming about it.  Listen, you've been to Vegas like sixteen times; the same shit is there as was there the last time.  But have you ever been to Portland, Oregon?  I bet not.  I hear that it's a lovely town though.  Or the Ozarks.  Or the Mississippi Gulf Coast.  Or Indiana Amish country.  Just find somewhere that you've never gone to before and go there.  If you don't like it, then you don't like it.  But odds are you are going to find somewhere sweet that is way different from anything you've ever been involved with before.  And you will get some sweet party stories out of it I am sure.

     So use any one of these awesome New Year's Resolutions if you'd like to.  Or make up a lame one of your own - I don't care.  But do something because the New Year is supposed to be a time of hope and joy and renewal.  Good luck and the best of wishes to all of you in 2009, Company from all of us here at Big Dave and Company.  We hope you have year filled with joy and success and bunny rabbits.  Or whatever you like.  And thanks for a great 2008.  It's been a year beyond belief, and we appreciate your support along the way.  We hope that you will keep coming back as we move into 2009. SON OF A BITCH!  Sorry.  I got a little sentimental and got a jolt from the cattle prod.  Stupid interns...

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