Monday, December 29, 2008

Four Thoughts Inspired by Television

     So I was watching TV the other day.  This is not in and of itself remarkable, except that I watched A LOT of TV on this particular day.  Well, in the space of one commercial break I saw three commercials that made me think three distinct thoughts.  The cool thing was that each of these thoughts were probably good enough to be made into a post of their own, but I didn't feel like typing that much.  So I have lumped them in this post together.  I hope you enjoy! 

Do you ever watch horror movies, Company?  I don't watch a whole lot of them but Sister does and I think she'd agree.  In every new horror movie these days there is always a hot chick that is being chased by evil in some way, shape, or form.  Fine, I understand this.  Boys like to see hot chicks and they can really make some blood curdling screams when they want to.  Well, invariably there is a scene where the hot girl is sleeping or making popcorn while babysitting but after the kids have gone to bed or giving her boyfriend head or something that is taking place at night and that involves her being in her underwear.   So anyway, she is interrupted by a noise or a voice and takes off in her underwear to search the house to find out what is going on.  Then the evil gets her and the movie can start.  I have a problem with this scenario though.  And here it is: Why the hell doesn't she turn the lights on?  Seriously, just think about it.  She is always walking through the house bathed in some sort of creepy blue moonlight; maybe some lightening.  It doesn't make any sense to me.  If I hear a noise in my apartment while I am sleeping and I go to investigate, the first thing I do is throw on every light in the house.  Then I come out with my baseball bat.  I don't go around the house in the dark.  You ALWAYS flip on the lights because lights scare away evil.  Why do you think people get those motion censor lights to put on their garages?  Why do you think people stranded in the bush always make a fire at night?  I mean, come on.  I can handle you doing your investigation in your underwear, but for your own sake turn on the lights before you go.  Or get a flashlight if the power is out.  Otherwise, you kind of deserve to get scared out of your mind by whatever is lurking in your attic.

     There was a friendly local pawn shop that was having a sale.  To me this seems a little strange.  I mean, first of all, it's a pawn shop.  Everything should be relatively cheap there.  But this one was having a sale.  Fine.  This particular sale was focusing on jewelry; strange bedfellows to be sure but jewels and tools sort of rhyme and we all know about how much people love rhyming, especially the types of people who would shop at a pawn shop.  So anyway, the sale was on but for some reason, in addition to that diamond pendant that used to mean so much to someone or your Uncle Roy's old cordless drill the pawn shop (unfortunately it was not the infamous Pawn & Gun in scenic Pembine, WI, which is probably my favorite store in known history) was touting their vast array of CD's for sale, and on the commercial I was watching they showed an array of CD's.  It was seriously an array; they were laid out on the screen like a Japanese fan.  The first on was the Killers' major label debut Hot Fuss.  Cool, that's a pretty good secondhand pickup at the pawn shop.  But when my eyes moved to the second CD in the display I saw two words: Jesus Jones.  I don't know which Jesus Jones album it was because once I saw that name I had a brain aneurysm.  If you are going to sell CD's at your pawn shop, that fine.  But if the second best CD you can dig up is anything by Jesus Jones you probably shouldn't be advertising your CD collection.  Bottom line.  Because, like most of America, I don't want anything to do with Jesus Jones unless that CD just has twenty different versions of "Right Here, Right Now" on it.  And even then it's dicey.

     Jack Bauer is having a really bad week.  Well, not really.  But he has had some of the worst days in all history.  As the hit series 24 goes into it's seventh season in a couple of weeks I realized that main character Jack Bauer has had way more than his share of bad days.  See, the premise is that each one-hour episode represents a real-time hour of the day, and over the 24 episodes of the year we see every minute of Jack Bauer's action-packed day.  Cool concept.  But when do you ever see him pee?  He doesn't get to sleep apparently.  He never gets to have a sandwich.  Eleventy billion people try to kill him each hour of the day.  His wife, estranged ex-wife, daughter, mother, father, brother, third grade teacher, optometrist, meth dealer, Carson Daly, newspaper delivery boy, and high school sweetheart all get kidnapped or killed or threatened.  He never gets to sit down.  He never gets to take his shoes off.  He has to scream at all sorts of people.  Do you see what I mean?  I know that each of these shitty days didn't happen all in one week.  But you have to admit that each is epic.  I feel for that man and I am pretty sure that he deserves a vacation.  On a tropical island where there are no phones.  Just drinks served in coconuts.  Although I suppose that would make for a pretty boring show...

Here's a bonus fourth thought that came to me while I was typing out the other three...

     In the commercial about drunk driving enforcement, why are all the drunk drivers white males?  Someone answer me that.  You know the commercial I am talking about.  It's the one where the people's vehicles are filling with the drink they were drinking.  So the guy in the trucker's hat is driving a pickup truck with a cab fill of beer.  And the guy in the city has his car filled with martini with little olives floating on top.  And the police officer is aggressively circling intersections on a whiteboard in a room filled with other police officers.  Yeah, that one.  Notice that all the drunk drivers are white males in their 30s.  And all the cops are white males in their 20s.  You mean to tell me that no minority or female has ever been arrested for drunk driving.  That no African-American or Korean has ever graduated from the police academy?  It not really noticeable until you've seen the commercial about 269 times and are at that point when you don't have to pay attention to anything but the details.  Then it just becomes a little unsettling.  It's like they filmed the commercial in Vermont or something.

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