Thursday, December 04, 2008

Even Day, Odd Day

     Well Company, you will never believe it but I've got my feathers ruffled once again about something seemingly insignificant. And, as usual, stupid people are behind it. Actually, did you know that since I began using keywords for each of my posts in the fall a whopping 26 posts (or articles if you want to sound fancy pants) have carried the keyword "stupid people?" Well, it's true. And do you know why? It's because there are a lot of stupid people out in the world today.
     The article that has my underoos in a bind today comes courtesy of the Wisconsin State Journal and deals with the concept of alternate-side parking. For those of you who do not live in a big city or are unable to use basic contextual clues to figure things out, alternate-side parking is a rule by which residents must park on the even side of the street on even days, and odd sides of the street on odd days. I see that you've fallen down. It's actually pretty easy though. If it's an even-numbered day, such as today, December 4, you would park on the side of the street where all the houses or building have even numbers, such as 212 N. Park St. If it were an odd day, like say January 23, you would park your SUV on the side of the street with even numbered houses, like 7401 Chambers Ave. These laws generally only apply to overnight parking, like say between 1 am and 6 am or whatever, and they usually only apply in the wintertime. The idea behind these laws is that city crews can then get the streets cleared after a snow event without having to deal with a million billion cars parked all over the damn place. Sounds pretty simple, doesn't it?
     Well, apparently it's not. My friend G-Funk has to live with it in his neighborhood in Milwaukee and he admits that it's a pain in the behind but he's got it figured out. He doesn't get tickets for it. I mean, it only involves doing two things: knowing the date and reading addresses. Two things that should not be beyond anyone's ken. Especially if you are driving a car you should be able to do those two things. Actually, both of those things should be on the driving test. If you can't put in the date or find an address, too bad so sad. Come back in six months after you've taken driver's ed again. But anyway, G-Funk has figured it out. And so have millions of other Americans. But apparently, in Madison it's too hard.
     And surprise, surprise, the areas that have had the highest number of tickets are the areas around the University of Wisconsin - Madison. This makes sense to me for two reasons. First of all, it has a high concentration of people with cars living in apartments with inadequate parking, so many people are forced to park on the street. That's fine. I can deal with that. But the second reason is the one that has me all pissed off. The second reason is that many of those students are from out of town and don't know the regulations.
     What the hell is with that? In the article there were all sort of students moaning because they were getting tickets but no one had told them about the parking rules. You lazy bastards. Here is a news flash for you as you move on into adult society: IT'S YOUR RESPONSIBILITY TO LEARN THE RULES WHEN YOU MOVE SOMEWHERE NEW! God, did you see how I even changes the font to get it through your think skulls? Yeah, it's that important. I have a touch of OCD and I will still willing to change things up so you'd notice. Here's the deal. Just because nobody told you the about the rule doesn't mean that it doesn't apply. It's not the responsibility of the world around you to tell you what you have to know. It's the responsibility of you to fing out which rules apply to your situation. That's called being a member of society, asswipe.
     Just because you move from Almond or Solon Springs or Racine to Madison to go to school and decide to bring your SUV doesn't mean it's on the school or the city to tell you about the parking laws. Because they don't give a shit about you or the fact that your apartment's lot if full. If you want to use city streets to park your Corolla then it's on you to learn about how to do it. And you know what, if you don't bother and then get parking tickets as a result, no one feels bad for you. If you can't handle knowing the date and maybe swinging a U-turn to park every other day then you shouldn't be parking on the street. You will have to fork over for private parking somewhere. Honestly.
     You should be glad that you are allowed to park on the street overnight at all. Many, many, many cities don't allow overnight parking on the street, in winter or in summer. So you've got it pretty good I would say. So the fact that you are in the newspaper complaining that no one told you the specifics of a really very simple law makes you seem ignorant beyond belief. But you never thought of that, did you? You never thought that maybe one day you wouldn't be spoon fed anymore and that you might have to pick up the phone, call the police station, and ask them nicely about parking regulations. Because it's that easy. That's what I did when I moved my Worldwide Headquarters and realized that there was exactly zero parking spaces for like 12 apartments to share. That's part of being a responsible member of society. Going in the paper and whining about it is not. UW should expel you because you are single-handedly ruining their reputation as a good school. No good school would EVER admit a person that dumb, unless they had some federal law in effect that said they had to.
     Seriously people, it's not that hard. When you move to a new town, or even just shift your situation somehow, it's on you to figure out what is going on around you. It's not on anyone else. And I think that the bulk of you know this, I really do. But it's that small amount of people who have no clue of how to do anything but get in the newspaper that kill it for everyone. And that make me want to stick my face in a belt sander. God. I hope you park your car on the wrong side of the street, guy who doesn't bother to find out about the parking rules. I hope you do it wrong one night and not only do you get a ticket but your car gets demolished by a snowplow. You deserve it.

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