Saturday, November 01, 2008

Ten Things You Should Not Do At Any Time For Any Reason

As part of our "Ten Lists in Ten Days" special feature we here at Big Dave and Company are bringing you ten different helpful and/or informative lists each of the first ten days of November.

1.)  Give out fortune cookies with your telephone number printed on the little fortune slips to the kids on Halloween instead of candy.

2.)  Knit your daughter, granddaughter, sister, niece, or other female friend or relative a festive holiday sweater that says "Ho Ho Ho!" unless you want to remove anything resembling self esteem from their lives.

3.)  Throw horseshoes at small children.

4.)  Jab a paper clip into each of the slots on the wall outlet then touch your tongue to both of them at the same time.

5.)  Shake up a can of root beer, open it, spray it all over a priest, then strip naked and run across a busy highway.

6.)  Go to a petting zoo whose owner is missing fingers or toes, or who owns stock in a rabies vaccine company.

7.)  Stick any part of your body into the garbage disposal while it is plugged in.  I am not even talking about when it is just turned off, because you know that your wife will come by and turn it on accidentally.  You unplug that damn thing first.  Or at least throw a breaker.

8.)  Do anything that you ever saw Steve Irwin doing.  What, too soon?

9.)  Detonate a live grenade in your home, office, or vehicle while you or others are in it.

10.)  Put lipstick on a donkey.  Especially if it's a boy donkey.


Anonymous said...

Number three was my fave....


Mikealicious said...

Love #5. Maybe because I love root beer... and priests.

TJB said...

I love #4