Monday, November 03, 2008

Ten Reasons That I Am Cooler Than Miley Cyrus

As part of our "Ten Lists in Ten Days" special feature, we here at Big Dave and Company are bringing you ten different helpful and/or informative lists on each of the first ten days of November.

1.) I don't wear boots everywhere all the time. Miley Cyrus does. I mean, everyone wears boots all the time. Probably because Miley Cyrus does but that's beyond the point. I am cool enough not to follow that trend. I wear my Jesus Pusher sandals until two weeks after it snows.

2.) Miley Cyrus lives in California. How cliché is that? I mean, everyone lives in California. And anyone can get famous there. I mean, come on. If you manage to get famous living in Kansas City or Seattle or Buffalo then you are truly talented. If you get famous in California then you are just good looking and in the right place at the right time. So imagine how super cool I am going to be once I get famous living in Wisconsin.

3.) Miley Cyrus hasn't figured yet how to cut the umbilical cord. Seriously. I mean, I know that at sixteen I hadn't exactly moved out of the parental realm either, but I was at least doing some stuff on my own. I wasn't busy riding to fame on my father's coattails. I was busy plotting how to get famous on my own.

4.) I just have the one personality. Now, I am not ragging on people who have split personalities, that is a disease of the mind. But she just decided to make another one JUST TO GET FAMOUS! Let's be honest, if she hadn't have been Hannah Montana first, Miley Cyrus never would have been anything other than a product of Billy Ray Cyrus' overly tight jeans and some backwoods inbred who thought mullets were cute. I mean seriously, either you are a blonde or a brunette. Pick one. Either wear the wig or not.

5.) Miley Cyrus has teenage girls screaming at her and older men hitting on her at all times. That's messed up. First of all, she doesn't want either of those. The old men creep her out and the girls aren't up her alley if you get my drift. Unless they are and then I am all about it. See, I have older ladies hitting on me all the time and adolescent boys screaming at me. That is much better. Because the ladies just make me blush and the boys I can curse at, and then they think I am cool. So I totally think I win this one.

6.) Miley Cyrus has made up, Disney-style drama. I have real life, Law and Order style drama in my life. And Law and Order is way more popular than anything Miley Cyrus has ever been in.

7.) Nobody knows about Miley Cyrus' mom. Everybody knows about my mom. You know, Patsy? Yeah, that's my mom. She's cool. You've probably even met her. Now, I dare you to tell me something about Mama Cyrus. Yeah, that's what I thought.

8.) Miley Cyrus has to ride around the country on the bus. I took the bus once, it sucked balls. It took like eleventy billion hours to get from Marquette, MI to Madison, WI. How lame. I usually get around the nation via car or plane or tube technology. Not on a lame bus. I take the DykeSedan. And while we are on that subject, I bet her lame-o bus doesn't even have a name. My car does. You just read it: The DykeSedan. And that name has two capital letters so it's extra awesome. All you have is Bus. Yeah, that's lame. And don't even tell me that Miley Cyrus is cooler because she is riding the bus "on tour." On the "Hannah Montana Meets Miley Cyrus" or whatever tour. Because I can just start naming my ramblings around the country tours if you want. The "Going to Trig's to Buy Eggs Tour 2008" or whatever. But I don't have to because I am cooler.

9.) Miley Cyrus has "Seven Things I Hate About You." I have "Ten Reasons That I am Cooler Than Miley Cyrus." I have three more. So I am cooler.

10.) I still have my soul. See, Miley Cyrus got famous by getting on the Disney Channel. You have to sell your soul to the Devil to get famous via the Disney Channel. Yeah, all those kids you see bopping around getting nose jobs and wearing stylish clothing? No souls. That is why none of their shows feature mirrors. They are afraid of what they might see if they happen to glance into it. No mirrors. That's the truth.

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