Tuesday, November 18, 2008


     Let's talk about spit, Company. Specifically yours. And mine. And why they are not mixing right now. Get it? No, I am just kidding. I am by no means as implying that we should be making out, unless you are into that kind of thing. But I have been thinking about spit and the terrible double standard under which it exists.
     Nobody really likes spit.  They think it's gross.  If I spit in your coffee, you are going to be pissed.  Stories abound.  Little Jeffy was just telling me tonight about how one of his coworkers had an aversion to drinking out of a soda can that someone else had drank from - that kind of thing - and so he caught his daughter licking each and every Jell-o cup before putting them in the cupboard so that he wouldn't eat any of them.  It happens more than you'd think.  I mean, how many times have you been grossed out by someone drinking the last little bit of someone else's bottle of iced tea because it was all backwash?
     It's twice as bad then there is illness involved.  I know, short of blood, there are not many bodily fluids that carry more germs than saliva.  Maybe the fluid in ones eyes, but I don't know.  I have done absolutely no research on this subject.  But I know saliva probably isn't good.  But here's the deal...it's no worse than breathing the air in the same room as a sick person.  Do you know why?  Because that air is full of little tiny droplets OF EVERYONE'S SALIVA!  It's true, my mom is a nurse.  And you see evidence of it all over.  When you get in the car on a super cold day and your windows start fogging up, that's because of the moisture you are breathing out into the atmosphere.  In Siberia they have problems in the towns during the winter with ice because the condensation from human respiration freezing on every surface in the cold, cold temperatures.  It's true!  So all that saliva, quarts of it, are in the air, and you are breathing it all the damn time.
     Which I don't see the problem with, quite frankly.  Because of the double standard.  There are a lot of times when you think spit is good.  Yes there are, just think about it.  When you get a face full of dirt or sand while out that the Baja 500 or wherever you have been hanging out lately you want lots of spit to remove it from your mouth.  Yeah.  You like to have a lot of it there when you are eating too.  Your digestive system can't digest the three Big Mac's that you just scarfed down.  It couldn't handle the fries either.  You wouldn't even be able to swallow the all beef patties, special sauce, lettuce, cheese, pickles, onions on a sesame seed bun.  That's because your saliva starts the process of breaking things down chemically so it can make it to your stomach.  I read all about it, you know, in a book.  
     You know when else you don't seem to mind spit?  When you are making out.  Yeah, it's true.  When you get in there all you are thinking about it not sticking your tongue in so far as to choke the poor person or if they are drunk enough to not notice that you are already headed for second base.  You aren't thinking about the biological agents that they might be transferring to you, or vice versa you dirty bastard.  Oh no, you don't care a thing about that.  It's funny how spit doesn't seem so bad when it's from an attractive or in some cases desperate person, isn't it?  Oh no, Johnny Hottie's spit is just fine when it's being directly injected into your larynx.  Dirty girl.  Why doesn't he just spit it in your face.  You'd probably like that too.
     Sorry, back to the family friendliness.  Spit is okay when cleaning is involved.  If you are a parent it is usually something on the face of your child that needs to be cleaned.  Like some ice cream or the last shred of dignity when in front of the girl they like.  When you are a child it's usually some sort of minor flesh wound that needs to have the dirt and blood removed.  When you get to the age when you think you know things but in fact know nothing you'd probably proudly declare that spit is actually one of the best things you can use to clean it.  Yeah, keep thinking that.  In ninth grade health class the CDC will get its hands on you and it will be nothing but fear and loathing until you are 84 and keel over while watching Wheel of Fortune.
     So can it with the double standard.  If you are going to take the good with the spit you have to be willing to deal with the bad.  If you want to use it clean flesh wounds then deal with the backwash.  If you want to swap it with your husband, that's fine but then don't cover your mouth and freak out every time someone sneezes within six miles of your location.  That's how it works.  It's like pee.  You might not like pee but you will put up with it if you want to get with R Kelly.  Same with spit.  You might not like it but you will be nice to it if you ever want to eat a peanut butter and fried banana sandwich again.  And that's on the Internet, so it must be true.


Adrianne said...

Informative and disgusting yet wonderful.

Mikealicious said...

I think spit is the reason I was home sick from work today. That and Canada. Can't trust those guys!