Friday, November 14, 2008

Raising the Bar

     A few of you will remember when I wrote about the death defying Stanley Kobierowski, a Rhode Island man who was arrested with a .491 blood alcohol content (BAC) after plowing his car into a freeway message board. You may also remember how I wrote about The Homeland being the drunkest state in the Union. Well, now, for the first time ever, those posts mesh neatly together thanks to an unidentified Wausau, WI man who was arrested early Tuesday morning with a BAC of .561.
     Police officers responded to a 911 call at 12:45 am from a man stating that he did not feel well and had a history of heart problems. When the officers arrived at the laundromat where the call had originated from they found not a heart attack in progress but a man so drunk that he should have been dead. The 53-year old man, who has been homeless for the past eight months, has since been released from Aspirus Wausau Hospital and transferred to North Central Health Care for treatment, this according to the Wausau Daily Herald.
     My question is this: How much would one have to drink over what amount of time to achieve a BAC of .561. And I am not talking about just the amount of alcohol he would have has to have binged just to reach the .561 level, I am talking about the years of constant drunkeness needed to reach that high of a tolerence. Can one even achieve that high of a BAC without the use of turpentine or wood alcohol. Anti-freeze maybe? Seriously, someone help me here, because I am struggling for answers. When I wrote about Stanley I noted that with a BAC of .150 there is the equivalent of 1/2 pint of whiskey in a person's bloodstream. So fi you do the math, at .561there are almost 2 pints of thehard stuff floating around in there. And the average adult has roughly 10 pints of blood in their system, so our boy here had 1/5 of his bloodstream converted to booze. Now that's impressive.
     So mister man, you think you know why you don't feel well at the Rainbow Laundry at 12:45 am?  I think I might.  I am guessing that it has to do with the eighteen jugs of moonshine fermenting in your arteries.  Of course you have a history of heart problems, generally when an organ designed to pump blood is being forced to pump Watermelon Pucker it doesn't work as well as it is supposed to.  Asking his heart to pump whatever that slurry running through his veins was is like asking the gas pump in your car to pump gravy into the engine.  A little might get through but it's not going to do any good.
     You know what else might be contributing to your overall lack off good feeling on that evening?  The fact that you should have been dead.  The average person would begin to black out at .15 and would have been dead long before reaching the .50 barrier, let alone blasting beyond it.  Lots of people have out of body experiences where they are dead but shouldn't be, this guy turned it completely around and his body was trying to be dead when he was supposed to be alive.  So no wonder his body was all confused and he didn't feel well.  
     In any event, don't worry about turning out like that guy.  Long before you can get your BAC to .561 you will be in a coma, or in a hospital getting your stomach pumped by a gruff night nurse in the emergency room named Edith.  Or you will simply just run out of money because it would take a lot of cash to get that much booze.  But first was our boy Steve, now this guy has raised the bar...who is next?  Because someone will find away to get even drunker one of these days.  And that's on the Internet so it must be true.

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