Monday, November 17, 2008

An Open Letter to the Laundromat Owners In My Town

Dear Laundromat Owners,

Go fuck yourselves. I am not going to name names or specific laundromats because I need your businesses. I don't want to have to use your businesses but I have to as I am cheap and always manage to rent an apartment that does not include laundry facilities. Except the Cove but there was only one machine for like 12 apartments and the dryer never worked. Oh, and the Palace had a machine in the hall and that was perfect because it was one machine for three apartments. Perfect. Ahhh...I miss those days.
But I digress. I don't like you laundromat owners. First of all you are all lazy assholes. I mean, it's bad enough that you can't come lock up your own places at the end of the night, but you all hire the same guy to lock your joints up? That's fucking ridiculous. If you are going to buy a place at least show up and turn your own locks and empty your own machines and take a twirl around with the mop. And if you are an elitist prick and think you are above mopping up please for the love of God don't hire the same guy to lock up all the laundromats in town. Don't let him have a laundromat lockup monopoly.
Not that you'd know what a monopoly is. Or that you'd care. Because you obviously have no idea about anything. You certainly know nothing about customer service or running a business. First of all, here is a brilliant idea. Operate during the hours posted on your door. Now there is a fucking amazing new concept! Actually, my friend in business school just told me about that bold new business strategy. You post hours of operation on your front door - say 8am-6pm - and then you have to allow people to enter and use your business during those hours of operation. IT'S NOT THAT HARD TO UNDERSTAND FUCKSTICK! God, you don't send the guy around to lock the doors an hour before the time you are supposed to close. THAT'S NOT HOW IT WORKS! For Christ's sake. You are lucky that you are not here right now because I would be gouging out your eyeballs WITH MY GODDAMN ELBOW! Right in your motherfucking face. Oh, and I almost forgot...if you engage in this practice and you decide to change your hours, you probably should change them on the front door so people don't plan to use your business when it is closed.
Oh, and here is the deal. I know that we are in a tourist town. But seriously, be nice to the locals. I know the jizzbags from down south who come up on a regular basis to buy fudge and beat the lakes with poles attempting to catch fish and ride snowmobiles into trees at high speed while drunk (and I admit, I used to be one of those people) are your bread an butter, and they are willing to pay more than usual for services such as laundry but that doesn't mean that you should FUCK OVER THE LOCALS! And this goes for all businesses. The local people are the only things that get you through your down periods. Plus they are the people who will have to come fix the dryer or fill the soap machine or plow the driveway. So be nice. Maybe, once the out of town license plates disappear, crank up the dryers to give maybe seven or eight minutes for a quarter. Keep your extended hours for people who work second or third shift. Or maybe, off-peak, let the people who are doing laundry when closing time comes finish their stuff. Oh my God, how fucking novel. I mean, if you are in my office when 4 pm rolls around we let you stay until you are done with your business. Bars and restaurants allow you to stay after closing if you are a paying customer. SO LET ME FINISH MY GOD FORSAKEN LAUNDRY! I only need a half an hour to dry. You can lock me in and come back in a half hour, that's fine. I mean, come on guy. I know that you can't run around doing that business at each of the three laundromats you have to lock up, which is a super important and difficult job I know, but throw a guy a bone. I am trying to give you money. You can come back, it's not like it's that big a town. I can walk from one end to the other in like a half hour and you have a truck that is filled with mysterious bags of something. You will be able to get wherever you have to go in like two minutes. SO QUIT BEING A NUTRAG AND LET MY DRY MY SHIT! God. And then you chase me out of the next place. Fucking great.
Oh, and one more thing. I don't like country music. I don't want to listen to it while I am folding socks. I don't really want to listen to it ever. So please stop putting it on blaring on the radio in your laundromat. I would rather listen to Fran Drescher get double-teamed by Rodney Dangerfield and Fozzie Bear than listen to country music. I would rather hear Gilbert Godfrey recite avant-garde poetry than listen to country music. I don't want to hear about sittin' 'round the crack-fucking-barrel pettin' my coon dog and goin' down to the holler to refill my still. No, I don't want that at all. But, I am an understanding person. I understand that many people do not want to listen to the music I like. That's fine too. So put on oldies. I mean, there are only 64 oldies stations serving this town, and nobody has a problem with oldies. Oldies are like movies. Some people might not partake in them often but nobody is against them. So turn off the country music and suck my balls.
So here's the deal: shape up and treat my like I MATTER. Treat me like I am a PAYING CUSTOMER because that is exactly what I am. Without me your business won't be profitable. So treat me right. Or you can watch me on your precious fake 24 hour camera as I cut one of the gas lines that run to your dryers and flick a match right in through the front door that NEVER SHOULD HAVE BEEN LOCKED DURING YOUR HOURS OF OPERATION! And I will do it with style and panache. I will be standing in the parking lot wearing a leather coat and sweet hat with a couple of my cronies and I will just flick the match into the room like it's no big deal. Or maybe I will smash through the front window with a Molotov cocktail like I am a European soccer fan or something. Either way your door will always be open and my clothes will dry in record time.

Seriously though, I hate you.

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