So, I have a question, Company. Actually, I have several questions. First of all, does anyone know who is in charge of setting the volume on the TV? I don't mean your TV at home. I don't mean the TV in the community building at the nursing home that your grandmother watches Matlock and reruns of Match Game PM on. I am talking about the person who is at the master control out in Los Angeles at the broadcast center. Does anyone know this person? Does anyone know a person who knows this person? And the biggest question is this. Why does that guy consistently turn up the volume at night? That is the one time when we need the volume the least. All the old people are asleep by eight, and they are the ones who need the volume.
Honestly, when was the last time that you walked into a child's room and there was a TV blaring out Spongebob? Never. It's always sort of just on in the background. That's because kids hear just fine. But when was the last time you went to visit your great-aunt Harriet and you could hear her watching Wheel of Fortune from six blocks away? Yeah, that happened last Tuesday. In fact, I think that I can hear it right now, she's watching an old movie on Turner Classic Movies. But the point is that she's got the Belltone cranked all the way up to ten and you could still drive one of those Australian road trains right through the middle of her living room and she would be blissfully unaware.
You know who else hears just fine? I do. And most of my friends and co-workers do. In fact, a small section of the population excluded, most Americans who have been alive for less than 60 years can hear most things just fine. Freight trains in the night. A-Town listening to Mr. Big on his iPod. Charles Nelson Riley doing whatever Charles Nelson Riley doing. We can hear all that jazz. And in general we do not need help. So quit turning up the volume of the TV at night.
"But Big Dave, what about the elderly folks. You just said that my Uncle Ernie down in Port Charlotte can't hear all that well, and I know he watched TV like 42 hours every day. So shouldn't we be turning up the volume for him at night?" No we should not. Because your Uncle Ernie is fed by 5, home by 6, and dozing in his Barcalounger by the time that the first shot of Doogie Howser on hits the airwaves at the beginning of How I Met Your Mother. So settle down with the volume control, please. The only reason, the ONLY reason that we should be cranking up the volume knob down in central control is in an attempt to make the elderly people who are all sleeping in their chairs get up and go to bed. I am wondering if that is the logic behind things. Like, maybe if we make the TV super loud they will hear it, wake up, and trundle off to bed. I mean, they have to wake up at like 4 am and eat their Cream of Wheat anyway. Maybe, just maybe, by making the nightly news come on at ten or eleven at full blast they will get up and go to bed. But I doubt it. I am thinking that its usually peeing that rousts Uncle Melvin out of his slumber and gets him into bed. Or maybe Aunt Bea wakes herself up with her own snoring. I don't know.
I really don't know. But I do know that the people who need the television turned up the loudest are the ones who go to bed the earliest. So if anything TV should get softer as the evening goes on. By 9 pm it's usually loud enough, especially on the commercials, to be heard over the jets that are always flying over your house because you bought one near the airport because you got a good deal on it because the jets are always flying over. So anyway, let's knock it off with ratcheting up the volume every night after 8 pm. Let's get on the horn with California and ask them nicely. I don't care if their governor used to be the Terminator, I am still going to point my finger at them. Call your friends, I will call mine, and someone will know who is behind this. Maybe we can take his knob away once we set the volume. That would be a good solution. Whatever, I don't care. But we need to band together to do something about it. Because it's pissing me off. And that is on the Internet, so it must be true.