Sunday, October 19, 2008


     I am not Helenocious.  I have never ordered Jesus coins from the TV.  In fact, I have never ordered anything from QVC, HSN, an infomercial or anywhere from the TV.  And I probably never will.  But what I do know is that I LOVE that commercial for the Shamwow.
     First of all, I love the product.  I mean, if you have ever seen the commercial you know that these things are awesome.  They can pick up like eleventy-billion times their weight in liquid.  They can suck up cola through carpet and even take up the stain.  They can even be used to wipe off a boat!  I mean, come on, how many things can be used to wipe off a boat?  It takes a special product for that kind of stuff.  And apparently the Shamwow is huge.  Using contextual clues I have determined that it is approximately three feet wide by one-half mile long.  It has to be roughly that size because they cut the thing up and use it as a bath mat, a dog towel, a carpet for walking up to an awards show from the curb, a trunk mat for a 1993 Mercury Topaz, and a cutting-edge lining for the boots that Eskimos wear while they whale hunt.  And of course it works amazingly for all of those uses, because it's the Shamwow!
     What I really love about the commercial though is the guy.  First of all, he looks like he dried his hair with a Shamwow this morning and got a little extra static out of the deal.  I mean, I have heard of a witch's peak, but he's got like a steeple of hair there.  He has a Sawtooth Mountain range of hair there.  And I am sure that it is somehow related to the Shamwow.  But hair aside, I love this guy.  First of all, he is real.  He is down to Earth.  He knows he is selling something to you and he knows that you know it.  So there is no false pretense.  He just goes through his spiel.  And he's good at it.  He has this air about him - half carnival barker, half buddy showing you his new tool at the workbench in the basement - and I am not going to lie, he really makes me want to have a Shamwow.  Seriously, he's that good.  If I was a chick I bet he could talk his way into my pants in like sixteen minutes.  But I am kind of easy like that.  And then we could use the Shamwow to clean up afterward!  Apparently I am also a genius.  
     But seriously, go watch the video if you haven't seen it already.  This guy is good.  He is a silver-tongued devil and he just makes one want a Shamwow SO BAD!  I am going to ask for one for Christmas despite the fact that I have absolutely no use for it whatsoever.  And because it's one of those TV order things I am going to get like fifteen of them for the price of one.  And it's going to be great.  Maybe then me and the guy can get together and use our Shamwows to fight for justice or dry off a tennis court or something.  Because those things are made in Germany and they can do anything.  It's on the Internet, it must be true.

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