Shocking, isn't it? Yeah, you've undoubtedly read about how employers are using mySpace and Facebook to help evaluate potential employees as part of their hiring practices. Well, Company, it isn't far from Human Resources Departments to Police Departments. Yep, now the man is using the Internet to keep you down. They will find out about your party, and then bust in and find that one girl who showed up with your roommate's brother, who just happens to be about 3 months shy of 21 but who said they were of age and bust all your asses to kingdom come. It's going to happen. Or they will shut down your party before it ever gets going like they did to that kid.
Now granted, the kid in our article, Jimmy Lemke, who will call Jimmy Renob, is a little bit out of it. I don't know where he got that idea of people happily enjoying A&W while tossing a football back and forth from. I don't know why he thought his BBQ would be like the one in the song "Summertime" by DJ Jazzy Jeff and the Fresh Prince. If you are going to have an unsupervised function attached to a college in any way, shape, or form you have to assume that alcohol will be a big part of it. That's the sad truth. And apparently now one has to assume that some loser is sitting in Public Safety using his Facebook account to rat out all the parties he wasn't invited to. And believe me, he won't be invited to yours because you wouldn't hang around with someone like that. You'd better not or I won't come to your party.
You know what else the man is doing to keep you down? He's making up fake mySpace and Facebook accounts. Yeah, for real. You think that you are hitting up some hot guy who is in your biology class but who you've never seen in there before to come to your post-midterm blowout. But you know who is behind that account? Johnny Law. So now the SWAT team busts through your kitchen window, even though the front door is wide open, and it MIP's and Contributing to the Delinquency of a Minor's all around. You know why? Because high schoolers love mySpace even more than you do. But we will get to that in a minute. We are still on Barney Fife and his fake Facebook account. You know, the one he is using to lure you into getting spectacularly busted? Yeah that one. Last time I checked, police, you busted people who misrepresented themselves on the Internet. Haven't you ever seen To Catch a Predator? Behind every 15-year old on the internet is a reporter who will burst into your hotel room with a camera crew and catch you with your pants down and a My Little Pony doll in your hand. And behind every 23-year old cheerleader who just broke up with her boyfriend and who likes to party and who wants to come to your awesome party on Facebook is Police Underage Drinking Task Force Leader Butt Hansen. That's the reality of the Internet.
So knock it off. Don't put out the word about your rocking party on Facebook. Don't put word out about your rocking party on mySpace. Because you will go down in flames like some sort of human-social-life Hindenburg. I am sorry. But that's the truth. I am trying to give you a nice Public Service Announcement and keep you out of trouble. Seriously. Use your phone, you have 6000 minutes beyond your free nights and weekends and unlimited texts. Use those message boards that are still up in corners of your campus. You know, the one where people who need rides home for the holidays put up notices? Yeah, use those. No one in any sort of position of authority reads those. Unfortunately no students do either, so scratch that. But use alternate means. I know that the Internet and all its associated technology is super cool, but sometimes you have to go old school to be successful. So please heed my word. And heed the article I showed you. Because, quite frankly, the bailout fund it pretty low, Company. And I've got some weddings coming up next summer. So I can't afford to be bailing you and all your mySpace cronies out, now can I?