Thursday, October 23, 2008

My Successful Failure

     By now, Company, I am sure that you know all about how my bike was stolen.  And I am sure that you are familiar with how I made an unsuccessful attempt to get it back.  Well, last night I made another foray into enemy territory.  And this time, I am glad to report, I was slightly more successful.  
     But I was not totally successful.  To borrow a term from the movie Apollo 13, which stars a bunch of dudes who were in other movies as well, it was a "successful failure" in that I did not get my bike back but I was able to ascertain that it was there.  Here is how it went down:
     I was out wandering about town, making an also largely unsuccessful attempt to listen to the World Series on the radio, and I happened to be over near the very center of Bike Guy's home turf.  I knew from the beginning that things were going to be different.  Why?  Two reasons.  1.) No deer.  I don't know whose lawn they were mowing tonight, but those people did not live in the neighborhood I was in.  2.) The fucking annoying dog that always barks at me and runs at me but won't leave the yard was not outside and didn't hear my go by.  I am not sure about this dog.  Sometimes he is outside, sometimes he is inside when I go by, but usually when he is inside he hears me and his dumbass owners always let him out.  So he comes charging at me like he's a rabid badger or something but he always pulls up when he gets to about 2 feet from the curb.  And this makes me wonder.  He doesn't jerk back like he is on a leash.  Maybe he knows not to go into the street.  Maybe there is an invisible fence buried in the ground around his yard.  Maybe when he was a puppy he watched his brother get run over by an asphalt-laying machine and now he is deathly afraid of asphalt.  I don't know.  But I do know that he never bothers me but I am never sure that he won't start.  So anyway, sorry about that.  That was a tangent.  That one's not on you, Company.  
     So anyway, that is that dog.  But like I said, he wasn't there.  He was inside licking his ass or something.  So I cruise by his house and I decide that I am full of bravado tonight and I am going to go find out about this bike thing.  So I go into the alley.  No cars around.  I get past the garage with the amazing bright fucking retard motion light.  Great.  Now I won't think about stealing all of your stupid shit which, by the way is LOCKED INSIDE YOUR FUCKING GARAGE!  Thanks for wasting energy on your super bright motion light though, and thanks for pissing all your neighbors off.  I hope that someday you pull in and that thing turns on and blinds you and you drive through your garage door.  Then I can sneak in and take your shit and I win.  And then Bike Guy can steal your ordinary bike.  
     Yeah, but anyway, I get on past the lame-ass super duper light and I am up the alley, right up to the backyard of the Bike Guy Central Headquarters.  I look around; conditions are perfect.  No lights in any windows  No one around.  I step foot on Bike Guy's grass and it's on.  Again.
     So I go, cool, calm, and collected, along the property line to the back of the garage.  And I start rifling through the stack of bikes.  And I am waiting for the useless piece of shit dustmop of a dog that he has to start yipping inside the damn house.  But it doesn't.  Not a sound from anywhere.  Not a movement or a stirring.  Except for me sliding from bike to bike searching for a familiar frame or seat or broken gear shift.  Anything.  But I did not find it.
     So now, emboldened by my impending success, I make my way back to the alley and to the other lot line, where I make my way to the back of the shed.  That is when I see it.  A light on upstairs at the neighbors.  And then a shadow in that window and a movement.  I continued on.  See, the house with the light was B-Town's babysitters, so I knew that she would smooth things over for me if I needed it.  But it's not going to be needed.  I had truth on my side.  So like a cat I am on the bikes behind the shed, and there is no luck there.  That is when I get super bold and decide to go back to the garage to double check.  
     I go back to the garage and I am like a ninja in a cheesecake factory, I am all stealth and cream cheese.  And I rifle through the stacks again like I am looking for back issues of Popular Mechanics at the library.  And I again do not find my bike.  But as I turn to make my escape, I notice something else.  There is another, smaller shed, right along the edge of the alley.  And it too was filled with bikes.
     That's right, Bike Guy had a shed filled with little kids bikes.  There was even a scooter in there.  But it was all bikes for kids say, 10 and under.  It was like the Thanksgiving kids table of the Bike Guy's back yard.  I guess it was nice of him to keep them out of the weather.  But it also kept them out of view, so parents cruising through the alley looking for little Timmy's bike wouldn't be able to see them.  That's smart Bike Guy.  But you'd better give Timmy his bike back.  Because without his bike to ride the little bastard will probably fall down a well and then Lassie will have to come save him.  But I am calling animal control on Lassie.  Because she needs to be off the streets and so does Timmy.  He can stay down the well because he falls down the damn thing every week, and he can't lock up his damn bike.  Sucks to be you Timmy.  You retarded retard.
     So, all in all it was a successful failure in that I didn't get my bike back but I was able to discern that it was not there.  So I assume that he didn't take it.  Or he did and it's been chopped up for parts by now.  Who knows.  My leading theory now is that some scumbag thirteen year-olds who had to take a break from masturbating to the JC Penney catalogue lingerie section stumbled upon it while wandering home from the movies and took it for a joyride and now its rusting in some muddy backwater of the Wisconsin River off the Illinois Road somewhere.  But who knows.  I am over it.  It's gone and I am ready to move on now that I know Bike Guy didn't take it.  There is nothing more I can do.  And that is on the Internet, so it must be true.

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