Tuesday, October 07, 2008

I Remember the 80s

That, as you all know Company, was a big old picture of John C. Frémont. He was French, and his name correspondingly has one of those accent marks over the "e." And as you can see I actually went online and researched how to type it just for you. Because that's how much I care about you, Company. So anyway, those of you who know a thing or two about American history, you know that Frémont was a very busy man. He was in the Army, like all the other famous guys from his day, but he became most famous for basically wandering around the areas west of the Mississippi River looking for shit. He travelled the Oregon Trail. He discovered California, which unfortunately had already been discovered by the US, and got embroiled in a pretty nasty dispute there that eventually led to his being court-martialed and quitting the Army. All sorts of fun stuff. But the bottom line is that Frémont was not an innovator, but a trailblazer. And he went places that nobody had ever gone before. And that's what got him famous. But he also went somewhere that other people had already been and got famous for that too. So I have decided that if Frémont didn't go somewhere new I don't have to do something new. So I am not going to be cool by thinking of something new and innovative. I am just going to bring back all the slang that was cool in the 80s.
Yeah you heard me correctly. It's already starting to come back to life. Sister went to an 80's night with a side-head ponytail, sweatshirt that only covered one shoulder, and leg warmers. I think she wore a headband too but I am not sure. I assume she did. And I am sure that you remember the 56,000 "I Remember the 80s" shows that were on VH1. Michael Ian Black was in every one of them. Yeah, that's how he afforded his studio apartment in the Bronx. He rode the coattails of the 80s to, well, not fame, but something. And that's what I am going to do.
Radical. Everything is going to be radical. Or just rad if I am feeling especially cool. See? You are loving it already. And before tomorrow is out you will have called at least one thing radical. Or at least I want you to. You don't have to call something radical though. Call something awesome. Tubular. Bad. Bodacious. Answer someones question with the response "For sure!" or "Word up!" Call that alligator you just ran down "road pizza." Gag someone with a spoon. Or just add "to the max" to the end of everything. For maximum affect, string some of those together. It's so easy.
So that's the plan. I am going to start popularizing the 80s slang around here. And you go and get it in use among your group of friends. And some of them will go use it around their other friends, and so on and so forth. Pretty soon we will be famous.
Well, I will be. See, as he tromped around the Inter-mountain West, Frémont had a lot of people walking around with him. Legions of support people who drive the wagons, fed the horses, shot at just about anything that moved, cooked whatever the other people happened to shoot, and did a litany of other tasks to keep everyone going. But you don't remember Pfc Morely P. Craindell who drove the eighth wagon from the end of the train and who shot a coyote that was about to attack the cattle, or Lieutenant Mark T. Baines who scouted out the expeditions path through the Sierra Nevada. No, you don't remember any of those people, even though they did the dirty work. But you have heard of John C. Frémont, the leader of the expedition. Hell, he even made his way onto Big Dave and Company. So that's how it's going to go with us. You are going to do the work Company, and I am going to get the glory. But don't worry, I am going to be working on our 80's Slang Initiative right along side of you all. It's going to be tubular. To the max.


KingBobb said...

I totally figured that you were taking that in a bend where you were planning on rediscovering places that had already been discovered. Such as St. Wenceslaus.

Roxy said...

I bet I remember the '80s a little better than you do...seeing as I'm older than dirt according to some people :_(

Big Dave said...

You will always be 26 to me Hot Suff. Like totally, for sure!