Wednesday, October 15, 2008

I Am Very Disappointed With The Tyler Burke Experience

     I was very disappointed by the Tyler Burke Experience.  I was one of the leading proponents; I was one of the loudest in announcing its arrival.  Actually, I was pivotal in bringing it to your hometown.  But in the end, The Tyler Burke Experience was nothing special.  Nothing special at all.
     First of all, The Tyler Burke Experience didn't arrive at precisely 3 pm yesterday as was promised.  At five to four Tyler Burke himself called to say that they were ten minutes away.  Well, Tyler Burke, there is no room for The Tyler Burke Experience to happen after 4 pm.  That is the cutoff.  I am sorry.  So The Tyler Burke Experience was rescheduled to this morning at 8 am, right here in my hometown.  And again the Tyler Burke Experience let me down AGAIN.  It didn't show up until almost 10 am, and by then I was pissed.  I was actually running around proclaiming that I was over Tyler Burke, and that I didn't care if The Tyler Burke Experience ever actually showed up.  I didn't even care about who his mysterious friends were.  I was so over Tyler Burke.  I had dropped him like third period French.  All of that, of course, was a lie.  I was still pining to have The Tyler Burke Experience.  I wanted it like a pre-teen wants the Jonas Brothers.
     So you can imagine how excited I was when The Tyler Burke Experience finally arrived.  I was wound up like an ADHD kid who has just snorted fifteen Pixy Sticks.  Maybe that's why I couldn't tell that The Tyler Burke Experience was beginning once it had finally arrived.  I was sitting comfortably at my desk, looking like I was doing some important work, and I heard the door open.  I usually can't see the door open, so when I hear it that is when I know someone has arrived.  So I hear the door and I look up and see a tall, bald man in a black trench coat carrying some sort of leather appointment book or something.  And in behind him slinks a young man, in his twenties, with blonde hair, spiked up of course, wearing carpenter jeans and a Ralph Lauren fleece jacket.  That's when I knew that The Tyler Burke Experience was on.
     But it wasn't on.  It was not on at all.  Turns out I didn't get to have the full Tyler Burke Experience.  I only sort of got side swiped by The Tyler Burke Experience.  First of all, Tyler Burke himself apparently found it more convenient to stand in a corner where I couldn't see him than to actually come around and talk to me.  Yeah, apparently The Big Dave Experience was too much for Tyler Burke.  It sort of makes me feel good to know that I can overpower something as powerful as The Tyler Burke Experience, but it also sort of makes me pissed off that HE WOULDN'T EVEN TALK TO ME!
     Instead I got to talk to Charles, who was apparently the boss in The Tyler Burke Experience.  He couldn't wrap his mind around the concept of a personal check, and he seemed to like the free handouts that were hanging on the wall.  And he was VERY interested in the fluctuations of the stock market.  But what he was not interested in was allowing me to have The Tyler Burke Experience.  That's right, Chuck Burke-blocked me.
     A-Town was the only one who got the full on Tyler Burke Experience.  Actually, he got the full Tyler Burke Experience while B-Town was in the room and she didn't even realize that it was going on.  So B-Town could have had The Tyler Burke Experience in its full, unadulterated glory if she had just turned around in her swivel chair.  But no, it didn't go down like that.  She just kept on keeping on as The Tyler Burke Experience unfolded behind her.  And it was A-Town who was on the receiving end.  He even got to trade business cards with Tyler Burke himself.  And it was from A-Town that I found out about Wayne.
     Yeah, you read that correctly, Company.  Wayne.  Wayne is the third member of The Tyler Burke Experience.  I did not know this because I was apparently not good enough to get the Wayne portion of The Tyler Burke Experience.  Only A-Town and B-Town were given the possibility of all three parts of The Tyler Burke Experience, and B-Town didn't even choose to partake.  I only got the abbreviated version.  Like, when an entertainer goes on a college tour and only does half-show of his shitty songs when he is at the small colleges.  It was like that.  I got the small college version of The Tyler Burke Experience.  And I am pissed.
     But I am not going to let The Tyler Burke Experience get to me.  Oh no.  I am not.  I may have spent weeks of my life honing my skills in anticipation of The Tyler Burke Experience coming to my town, but you know what?  I am done.  DONE!  I care less about The Tyler Burke Experience than I do about how to conjugate verbs in Latin.  So he can come and go, he can avoid me like the plague.  I don't care.  It doesn't matter to me.  The Tyler Burke Experience is dead to me.  And that's on the Internet, so it must be the truth. 

No comments: