Wednesday, September 03, 2008

To The Kidnappers

     Okay Company.  Maybe you should cover your ears.  Because this is meant mainly for the people who are supposedly holding my Salt Book hostage, even though it's not my Salt Book.  Let me fill you in if you have been living under a rock, or listening to the collected works of Led Zeppelin, or trying to do the New York Times crossword puzzle with a pen instead of a pencil.  A couple of days ago I got an e-mail from a person or persons who claimed to have my book Salt: A World History by: Mark Kurlansky.  The first e-mail featured someone holding the book with the text "missing something? we'll be in contact with instructions."  I immediately called the kidnappers out.  So yesterday I get another e-mail, from the same address, with yet another picture.  This time, it's a different person holding the supposed Salt Book in a different pose, with the text "Figured out who this is yet"  Well, after calling you out yesterday, I have yet another amazing response for you kidnappers.
     First of all, way to go with the punctuation.  Who needs capitalization or question marks?  Not you apparently.  The Spanish put exclamation points and question marks upside down at the front of their sentences, and that evens things out, right?  So you don't need to use them at all.  I am glad that you dispensed of them because they are really just useless means of conveying emotion or direction.  Kudos.
     Secondly, I have figured out who you are.  Yeah, that's right.  You can change who is in each picture and what pose they choose to be in.  But I know who you are.  And I know where you are.  And I know when you are there.  So take that.  I know it all; I have figured it out.  Now, now, now.  I can hear you getting ready to call me out.  I can hear you clearing your throats.  Don't bother.  I will say it for you.  "Okay Big Dave.  If you have figure us out and you know who we are, why aren't you here getting your precious Salt Book back?"  Is that about right?  Well, I've got all the answers.  First of all, it's not even my Salt Book.  We went over this yesterday. Secondly, just because I know who you are and where you live doesn't mean that I have bust in like the Israeli Army rescuing some hostages or something.  Oh no.  I am waiting.  Lying in the weeds and just watching what is going on.  I will pick my moment and I will persevere.  Have you ever watched a cat playing with a moth in the living room on a hot summer night?  The cat doesn't just kill the moth and be done with it.  Oh no.  The cat plays with it, chases it, lets it think it's winning.  Then it swoops in and crushes its hopes.  Yeah, well I am the cat.  And I guess that that makes you the moth.  And the Salt Book would be the...well, the hot summer night I guess.  Or maybe the living room.  I'm not sure, I haven't totally worked this out yet.  But it's something, I assure you that.  Just like I assure you that I will get my Salt Book back.  So that is that.  I am on to you kidnappers.  That's right, it's on.  It's on 'till the break of dawn.  Balls in your court.  Your move kidnappers!  Oh wait, I shouldn't have put that exclamation point in there.  I forgot about that part.

4 comments:

Roxy said...

Seriously..I pity the fools who took your book, Big Guy..especially when you come through with that can of WHOOP ASS!!

KingBobb said...

Ms. Foxy, you gotta say it like "I piddy da foo's." Otherwise Mr. T will come lookin' for you.

Big Dave said...

Mr. T can't come looking for Roxy because he's busy looking for my Salt Book.

Roxy said...

Okay, okay..i'll say it..I piddy da foo's! Who is to say that Mr. T doesn't have your salt book, Dave?? I'd look into that if I were you! :)