Tuesday, September 02, 2008

The Salt Book Resurfaces

     Well Company, I always knew that this would happen.  My enemies have taken the joyous occasion of our moving to a new world headquarters and tried to ruin it by dragging up old, awful things.  That's right, the dastardly people who kidnapped my book Salt: A World History by: Mark Kurlansky have returned with a vengance.     Two days ago I sat down, well, flopped myself on top of, my love seat and began my daily routine of checking through local news, obsessively checking Big Dave and Company, and checking through my e-mail.  What I found was both shocking and highly disturbing.  There was an e-mail from one Bea Ver, who sent me a lovely picture of my Salt Book with the text: "missing something?  we'll be in contact with instructions."  WOW.  You could have knocked me down with a stick.  And not even a big stick.  Think more like a twig.  Or maybe a bough.  Or one of those birch branches that the Finns use to flog themselves in the sauna.  But it certainly would not have taken a big stick at all, for I was in shock. Here is the photo:
     So I did what any near-award winning blogger would do when one of their beloved mineral-themed books is kidnapped.  I mobilized.  I got on the horn and started calling some people.  Right now there are 5 guys in a black van about to screech up in front of a run-down house in a seedy part of town.  Be prepared, because they are going to jump out and storm the house with machine guns blazing like it's the Fourth of July.  I've got that guy at a big desk in a dark room with like six computer monitors but strangely only one keyboard who's busy hacking into the mainframe but always needs one more minute.  "JUST ONE MORE MINUTE!"  He's typing away at a speed that even the best secretaries couldn't match if their lives depended on it and he is stealing the kidnappers' identity as we speak.  My cronies at Interpol are running a trace on the kidnappers using the latest in thumb-identification technology that is only available in Switzerland, Norway, and Sri Lanka.  So look forward to that, because your thumb is going to be on milk cartons across America, much like the Salt Book was all that time ago.  
     So all of these things were set in motion.  As my peeps were out doing their thing looking for my Salt Book and those responsible for separating it from me, I couldn't do anything.  I was standing in my living room, surrounded by boxes and assorted things (apparently my version of packing involves me just throwing things around randomly until my apartment looks like an approximation of tornado aftermath) and occasionally pacing back and forth.  I had three cell phones, a land line, and a two-way radio all going trying to figure out where my Salt Book went and who took it there and why would they do such a thing? and why would they pick now to resurface? and what could they possibly want? and I just can't believe it...!
*  *  *

     Turns out I don't need to believe it.  Bea Ver is trying to mess with me.  Trying to pull the wool over my eyes.  But I am on to you Bea.  I know all about your scam.  Here's the deal Company.  Bea Ver doesn't have my Salt Book.  Oh, Bea Ver has a Salt Book.  But they don't have my Salt Book.  See, I got to looking at the picture, trying in vain to recognize a thumb, a background, anything that I could.  That's when I noticed the difference.  Take a look at the picture up above.  Notice under the title, there is a big long quote about the book?  Well that is a quote from Anthony Bourdain, author, chef, and host of No Reservations on The Travel Channel.  This is what the quote says: "The fascinating, indispensable history of an indispensable ingredient...a must-have for any serious cook or foodie."  That's awfully nice of Anthony to say.  But that's a lot of text that appears on the cover.  Lots of blue, and it really sticks out.  But the cover of my Salt Book didn't have that.  There was a lot more black.  Here is a picture of what my cover looked like:
Notice a difference?  Yeah, that's a different quote.  The quote on mine is from The Los Angeles Times and says "An immensely entertaining read."  Not quite up to Anthony Bourdain standards but still nice enough. 
     So there it is.  Concrete proof that whomever is trying to get me to fork over a ransom as the obviously successful Big Dave and Company moves into it's posh new headquarters complete with water slide and helipad (the helipad wasn't on the tour) is not the actual entity who kidnapped my beloved Salt Book.  But I still want to know who they are.  So I am going to let the ninjas still come for you.  I am going to let haxxor get into your bank account information.  And I am going to let Interpol use their hot new technology and cool Euro accents to ascertain your identity.  And I am going to put the Company on your trial.  So here is the deal Company.  I want you to help me flush out this Bea Ver.  Let's e-mail the shit out of them.  Send all sorts of e-mails demanding they stop this business to evilbeaver76292yahoo.com until they can't take it anymore.  Just flood their inbox with useless and annoying stuff until they learn not mess with Big Dave and Company.  Or Jesus.  Or Texas.  You don't mess with Texas.  And you don't mess with us.  Because the Salt Book is nothing to joke about.

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