Monday, September 08, 2008

Closing the Book on the Salt Book

Sometimes in this life we make assumptions. We see the dark clouds rolling in an assume that it is going to storm. We see a frosted glass and assume that it is cold. We hear a train whistle near the railroad tracks and assume that a train is about to come by. But our assumptions are not always right. The clouds roll over and things stay dry. The glass is really just frosted at the factory and your tasty beverage is at room temperature. Ghost train never shows up. These things happen. But sometimes it goes further. Sometimes we are so completely sure in our assumptions that we basically treat them like facts and base our actions on them as if we are fact. And maybe, maybe I have been doing that for the last couple of days and it's time for me go ahead and pry my mouth open and remove my foot. But my oh my is it deeply embedded.
Now you all know the continuing saga of the Salt Book. How it went missing and I offered several rewards. And I am sure you know all about how recently someone has been ransoming an impostor Salt Book to me in a series of e-mails. Well, let's clear a couple of things up. First of all, there was never really a ransom. They were never asking anything for the Salt Book, even though I managed to tear them apart on two separate occasions. Okay, fine. Secondly, I knew what it was all about. I knew that someone in the Company had decided to be nice and replace my long lost missing Salt Book. But I was all about ranting and raging because that is what I do when it comes to my Salt Book. I mean, come on, I have a reputation to uphold. So off I went, spewing all sorts of unnecessary venom just to get a laugh. But what you don't know is that I kept it up in real life too. That is where my foot got inserted into my mouth. And it doesn't taste particularly good.
Yeah, I did it. I went, guns blazing, to Peg-a-saurus Rex and Foxy Roxy and Stepmom looking for who was not really ransoming my Salt Book. How do you like that move? I was checking hands and fingernails to try and match them with the pictures that were sent to me. I was making demands and assurances. I was, as Shakespeare would have said, "full of sound and fury yet signifying nothing." Because I had nothing except for my blind assumptions. I even gave Stepmom the "how convenient" when she told me that she had just had a manicure. See how big of an ass I am?
Well, turns out it wasn't any of them. Who knew when they were protesting their innocence that they were being sincere? I sure as hell didn't. It all became very clear on the day after moving day when I found the false Salt Book in my dresser drawer, hidden under some pyjama bottoms. And you know who was behind it all? Mikey.
Yeah, Mikey. And I have to give him some credit, he pulled it off spectacularly. He got an anonymous e-mail address that just got me all riled up. He had the pictures taken with people who I never would have suspected. He even names the pictures saltnapped.jpg. Genius! And if it wasn't for my sudden and earth-shattering move to my new Worldwide Headquarters, he would have been able to string me along for days, months, or even years. To props to you Mikey. It was a deviously perfect plan, and you pulled it off aplomb. I am very proud and a little jealous. But it was also a very thoughtful and touching gift. So thank you very much. In fact, Salt Book 2 is the only book that has been put on a shelf so far at the Worldwide Headquarters. So take that into consideration as the biggest trophy in your success. Because you did something nice for me. But you used it to mess with me. And let's be honest, that exactly what I deserve.

5 comments:

KingBobb said...

It WAS pretty hilarious.

Nelbo said...

You're very welcome Big Man. The only greater honor you've given me besides giving me props in your blog is the knowledge that Salt book 2 was the first on your shelf. I love you buddy and hope your new job goes spectacularly well.

Roxy said...

I would like to take this moment to say..I told you it wasn't me!! :)

timmythetiger said...

Very funny. I knew about it and Mikey was supposed to get me involved but we forgot. Hope your new job is spectacular!

peg said...

Well, what did I say!! But had you stayed we would have had a little fun with you, beaver and the book. I sure miss you , but I hope that your new job makes you happy. Best wishes to one of my best friends. Love, Pegasaurus Rex