Thursday, September 11, 2008

Cable, The Sheriffs Office, and My Signature

     Well Company, I am back.  It has been hell the last couple of days here at the new Worldwide Headquarters without TV or Internet.  But I did everything that I could so that you would still have fresh and new stuff to read.  I wrote a couple of things ahead of time at David Nathaniel's and then yesterday I tried to go out and find someplace with WiFi so I could write you something new.  No such luck though.  I walked all up, down, and around this town and couldn't find a single place.  I am wondering if the coffee house out on the edge of town had Internet, but that was far away and, quite frankly, I just didn't have the oomph to get up and remember where I parked.  Today though, was especially exciting because not only did I get the Internet here but I got the Internet at work as well.  Turns out that in today's office, it's terribly difficult to work without a computer.  But now I have one and I have something to do during the slow period.  Thank God I am starting during the slow period.  
     I had a run-in with the county sheriff yesterday.  I was taking the tour of the courthouse (I work in a courthouse by the way) and the good people at Information Technologies (IT) sent my up to the Sheriff's Office to get my photo taken for my ID.  They called up there and asked if they had time to take a photo and up I went.  When I got up there they told me that I had to go next door to the jail.  So to the jail I went and they buzzed me into the back.  Well, turns out that when you get buzzed into the back, you are actually in the halls where the cells are.  And the cells were open.  The inmates were out and a couple of them were milling around.  I am pretty sure that that is not supposed to happen.  In fact, I am totally sure that that is not supposed to happen.  Most o the deputies were cool, but one was freaking out.  He goes "[IT] doesn't run my jail."  Well no shit, but your people didn't have to buzz me in buddy.  
     So then they take me into the booking room.  Turns out, the equipment that they use for badge photos is the same equipment that they use for taking mug shots when one gets arrested.  Fantastic.  At least they were nice enough to cover up that thing with the lines that shows how tall you are.  And they didn't make me hold numbers across my chest.  So I guess that all is not lost.  An interesting thing happened while I was up there though.  The nice deputy who was helping me typed in my last name and my mom's name popped up automatically.  Seeing as how she vacations up here, I wonder what she has done wrong.  I am going to have to ask her if she's been being naughty lately.  
     Then the nice deputy begins to enter my information.  Name.  Address.  Social Security Number.  Drivers License Number.  Hair color.  Eye color.  Height.  Weight.  Vision restrictions (glasses, contacts, etc.), facial hair, etc.  Then she hits enter.  And the computer pops up an error message.  It says "Unusual weight."  That's right, the computer called me fat. 
     The deputy was so cool about it too.  She looks at it like it's crazy, totally blows it off, and says "That's not an unusual weight.  500 pounds in, but that's not."  So she was cool.  But I couldn't believe it.  What, did the computer think I was lying?  I could understand if I had said something ridiculously low.  Because 95% of people in the US would do that.  But, what, am I going to say that I am really fat in case I want to eat a lot later?  I am not understanding here.  Does the computer think that the deputy is a retard?  Does it think that she can't even come close.  Like, she looks a a twelve-year-old and says "600 pounds, easy."  No.  So I don't know why the programmers at Douchebag Technologies or wherever programmed that business thought that they were doing but it was unnecessary.  Nobody is that stupid.
     I did get yelled at today though.  Well, not yelled at.  My boss isn't the type to yell, but I was scolded.  That's a better word.  It's the first time that I have been.  And it stung.  She was nice about, don't get me wrong.  And she's the boss, so she can set whatever parameters she so desires.  But she yelled at me because of my signature.
    Yeah, yeah, yeah.  I can hear you, Company.  I've been getting shit about my signature for years because, well, because it in no way, shape, or form resembles any sort of letters whatsoever.  So what?  Tons of people have illegible signatures.  I've signed my name so many times over the last few years that, coupled with my laziness, all the letters just sort of disappeared.  The Post Office accepts it.  The Michigan State Police accept it.  Charter Communications just did when I signed the work order for my cable.  But apparently my boss won't.  So now, at work, I have been forced to use a legible signature.  I hate it.  It doesn't look cool, and it takes me eleventy billion minutes to sign my name now.  Great.  Maybe we can find a happy medium.
    But that's my update for today, Company.  I wrote a post about something that happened to me in the last couple of days in Microsoft Word while I didn't have Internet, so look for that tomorrow.  


KingBobb said...

Yeah, my signature was no great shakes prior to the 'Jib. Afterwards though, it went all to hell on me. And my initials are now written in Sanskrit. Which is interesting, because: A. I've never taken the time/trouble to learn Sanskrit, and B. I can barely speak/read English.

Big Dave said...

I think that The Pharaoh can read Sandskrit

KingBobb said...

The Pharoah's gifts are pretty limited. And I'm relatively sure that ancient dead languages are not among them. (Don't worry my sandy friend, I got your back)